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100 followers

i come to the altar and i pray. idk do i believe in god? i have no idea. i have no idea whether i believe in god. i have no idea whether i ought to believe in god. i suppose, though, there is no ought. there is only shall? or some bullshit. i resolved an ongoing karmic sitaution with the reference letter thing. now it feels like i have no unresolved karma. to have surpassed the one hundred followers mark... that's a special thing. i'm grateful for an audience. i'm grateful for a platform. i'm grateful now, as i was grateful at ten followers, as i was grateful at one, or even six. six is the one that sticks out in my mind for some reason. can't put a finger on it. last winter i see a bug in front of me. it's a pretty one. it's one of the ones that populates this house in the wintertime. they have started to be born, seemingly. it seems like right now, all of a sudden, they are everywhere. how did you get in, little guy? we may nevvvver know. but it's okay with me. some weird feelings today. huh. man. huh. man..... huh, man.... huh, man... huh, man... silent meditations on death, that is what it is all about recently. i be meditating on death i be having encounters with ants i be having all kinds of shits going on... i be having all kinds of shits happening in and around and within me...

making decisions to not make me insane

although insanity is okay. no shaming here. so what's the decision i could make now to make me not go insane? right now what i chose was throwing on the new crj double album and writing again. finding some kind of flow state as the answer to all my problems, i guesss, once again, or something? it's also about stripping things back. rrrremembering that it's all...... it's all about what it's all about, you know? i'm also not so hungry recently. not so hungry recently, in terms of food. now it's dark. it's dark, except the kitchen light is still on, and it's actually four lights, and.... AUGHH!!!!! screeen psychosis has come to passss. screen psychosis has lodged itself inside of me.... ueueurrrgghghh. i'm taking my pants off now. and now i'm sitting in the red chair. it strikes me that i'm alone. yes, i'm still alone. but today i hung out with █████ for the first time in a while. he explained IP addresses to me. i'm still not fully sure what it's all about, but it's okay, because it's more about listening to someone, letting them explain something to you, recognizing where there is truth in their words, and appreciating the view of the trees. waking up to the sight of trees on fire, but it was just fall.... it was just the technicolor leaves on the trees. technicolor-ass, burning-ass leaves. haha, yeah remember when ████ forced himself on me with a kiss? he said i was a bad kisser afterward, adding insult to the proverbial injury. he felt soooooo bad after the fact. he felt weird about it, too, and his feeling weird made me feel weird in turn.... lol. it's funny how someone can violate you and then you can feel bad for them because of how they feel bad. and you're like "yeah, man, it's not actually so bad of an imposition... it hurts you more than it hurt me... for sure, it was super awkward, and it did hurt for a moment," but i think as soon as the truth can be experienced by all of us, there's some kind of catharsis for the original victim and consequently the perpetrator. i think there's some retribution for the victim in seeing the perpetrator actually feel bad and experience some kind of psychological suffering as a result of their action.................. i think that's how i would sum up that experience of getting kissed without consent. anyway, it's easier to get attached and absorbed in the neocities of it all when you're in a dark, motionless house, a still house, where the atmosphere is tightly controlled. we're in the indoor world. no wind can reach this place. uhhh am i just anxious? do i just HAVE anxiety???????? but it's just funny, because there aren't really any real REASONS to have anxiety... like girl i'm unemployed as fuck and like... huh. so is the anxiety owed do to the fact that i'm not living the life that i want? and is it time, somehow, for some drastic change? do you think? if it is..... it's not right now. i feel confident about this: this moment, here. i can stop rocking in the red chair, take stock of the life, and ask myself... "would i be okay with dying right now?" honestly, yeah, i wouldn't mind it too terribly. the song playing is really beautiful... what is this one? this one might be one of my favorites... mmm i love this one. i wonder how many sunny days we will have in the wintertime. what do you think? how many sunny days will we have? ███ thinks we will get a mild winter.