I’m baby. I feel like going back to sleep. I need a man. I can’t do anything alone. Not home ownership. Not even home rentalship. It might take some creativity. It might take some asking around. I gotta find someplace where I can stay. A place to lay one’s head, that’s all I’m looking for. A place to lay my weary, tired head, but my recovering head, my head which is going to be so capable of so much more. I’m too inside of myself. I’m too in me. I’m inside of myself thinking only about myself and appearances and whether I’m in the right place or not. When will I find a place where I can confidently place myself and be like, hey, world, this is where I am, this is where I belong? Is that ever going to happen? At least in a place like ▒▒▒▒▒▒ I can sort of just disappear into the city. I don’t have to be so..... ugh. I’m fucked. I’m not independent at all. No ideas, no nothing, no wonder, no nothing, I have no idea. I just straight up have no idea, no income, no career, no nothing! No nothing. No credit, no nothing. I know it’s all fake, but I’m in a place where it feels real, and it feels like I’m being gatekept from a lot of it. I really do! I feel gatekept from the world of living in a place. I don’t have it in me. I’m basically useless. I’m useless! I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like iiiii am going to get a really rude awakening pretty soon here. I have no life partner, no nothing, I’m truly alone in this world, I have no one to rely on me, no one to rely upon, no nothing... I don’t have shit here! I’m totally ground zero. This is my ground zero moment. I’m on the ground entreating to you right here and right now. I feel uninspired, I feel unable unwilling to work on the stupid dumb website, I have no interest really in any of it. Why is it so hard to even think about this right now? I think the answer is that if it’s that hard, it’s probably not the right time. Right now is not the right time to be thinking about these things, so I simply will not think about them. Instead, I will take a siesta on my couch. What I’m doing now.... I’ll continue to do it. I’ll even lie down in a better posture so I don’t hurt my neck. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out and everything is nice and fine all the time, you suddenly think how ridiculous you must look to everyone around you, and you sort of lose respect for yourself through the eyes of others, but.... Ugh, man. I think I’m tired of writing. I want to just lie here. I want to just be in my body without typing about it. Let me just..... soak in these weird feelings. whhwhwhhwhhwhhere do I go from here, what’s a boy to do, how do I continue ,,, how can I do this? How can I do this, what‘ll it take, what is it going to take, genuinely? What do I have to offer this world, who am i ? what am I doing here? is thereeeee... is intellect enough, is it enough to offer that? intellect? No. You have to have more. You have to have something more physical... bah. Who knows. Be yourself everyone else is taken. Just being myself will be the way through life. I’ll live my life as myself, and a smile comes to the face in my subconscious mind’s eye, because I recall… something that I’ve already forgotten. Yes, yes, yes, forgotten already. My short-term memory is getting really fried. I had to ask P▒▒▒ what she had just said yesterday. I played it off so that she would just give more detail to what she had previously said, and it all worked out. I remembered what she had been talking about. All these people on their phones when there’s even the slightest pause in conversation, and it’s like huh wow you guys are tough, tough cookies with hard bargains that you drive... Anyway, now is the time to just let it all go and be on this couch face up eyes closed, thinking or not thinking, seeing or not seeing, etc.