doubt honesty..... honesty....... honesty....... honesty..... honesty. how do we do it? how is it done? i do not know....i know not..... i know not..... i know, not. i do not know how best to be honest, you know? i just.... have no concept of it at this point. i have no concept of honesty right now.... just no concept of it.... productivity is an illusion, and your whole life has become a long series of rationalizations...... you should be able to see that, but you don't, and i can't make you see it. i can't make you see all the ways that you're doing wrong.... i can't make you see it. i can't psosibly, i can't possibly make you seee it.... i have to let you do that for yourself.... because really, really.... it's not for me to do... it really is not for me to do it. it's not for me to show you how you're wasting your life and setting yourself up for lots and lots of suffering down the line. it cuts deeep. it cuts so fucking deeep, it really does. and i'm not someone who can just ssssssselfishly focus on something else,,,, although i try. although that's what this is, here and now. although the sun is shining brightly, beautifully. if i could see things how they really are, i would sob and not be able to stop sobbing until it killed me. oh my god, i was going to drive myself fucking crazy last night..... no matter what i do,,,,,, you will do what you want when nobody is around. you will do what you want when nobody is around... you will do what you want when nobody is around, you will do what you want when i'm not around... even if i coach you into something different, you will let it all fall to the wayside as soon as you're out of my sight. no amount of words i say will be able to undo it, and that is just the fact.... fuck it, dude................ it feeels so bad. shit, man, idk though.... shit, idk.... i don't know, i just don't know.... i don't know..... i don't know... i feeeeeeeeeel...... i don't know how i feeel. i do not know how i feeeeel or how to feeel or what to feeel. but i know that, like... i know it's goood... i know it's goood, and these are the opportunities, these are really the opportunities, and i don't want to be a lame ass loser who's isolated, who has no friends, who stays home and gets high and does stupid shit and reads books and writes. i don't want that for me. i do want connection, i really do want it, i really do want the connection, bro......... i really, actually do.... but maybe what it needs to give is for me to get outta town. but no, i don't think so. i think it's good to .... be where you are... right now i'll be where i am. and open the doors. at least that one. P.S.