I just got a literal rush and tears almost coming out of my eyes when I checked the list and it said 13 patients. Like oh my god dude. Today might be a nice little light little day. If I thought I went home early yesterday…. But let me not get ahead of myself, and let me not take too much pleasure in the thought of not doing any work. Like we know. We know. I don’t like doing the work.

But I’m just kind of in the spirit of observing my reactions to things rather than evaluating them in real time. Like I’m just observing.

But then…. Observation as collapse as violence…. Hmph. I don’t know about that whole philosophy and how it factors in. like is it okay to collapse things at all, if the things are like my own responses? Is that violent? Can I be violent against myself?

A note on nuance after I blow my nose.

The note on nuance is that….. Is that ummm…

Sorry I got distracted talking to the new resident named [rdct].

Aaaaaahhhhhh yawning. Okay. I’ll deliver my note on nuance now.

Sorry getting distracted again by [rdct] and [rdct] talking about how you’re technically not allowed to pull PIC lines without a fellow present, and [rdct] said she’s pulled a PIC out of a baby all by herself or something. Anyway.

The note on nuance is that when it comes to my observations about myself, I tend to provide so much context that it’s not quite a flattening in the same way as….

But the truth is it still is a flattening, and it’s like…. okay, if anything, maybe it’s like a funhouse mirror or something where it’s like a little distorted. Yes, I think funhouse mirror is a good way to put it, because it flattens you into two dimensions. A mirror is a two-dimensional surface, just like the fuckin uhhhh writing itself. The screen is a two-dimensional surface. So no matter how many details you include and how many different perspectives there are……. No matter what there is….. No matter uhhhh no matter what………

Getting distracted by a conversation about the teratoma baby and how he coded right before the end of [rdct]’s last 24 hour shift here. Like my god. And then [rdct] saying that he thinks they should just take out the teratoma. LIKE YEAH THEY SHOULD!!!! He was like, "imagine being one year old and you’re like 'why do I have this thing in my mouth?'" And then he lost me when he was like “well he’s not aware” or something like that. LIKE WHAT IF HE IS!!!! WHAT IF HE FUCKING IS!!!

I think this is a huge problem in our world, how everyone just like projects their own experience of babyhood onto all the other babies. They think they don’t remember shit from being a baby, which I suppose we all kind of don’t, but like…. Why do we feel so comfortable making the jump from that to “babies are not sentient”?

And similarly, how do we assume that all other beings are not sentient? What the fuck is wrong with our society? It’s like… I guess we need to just assume these things in order to have an “efficiently” running society, and like if we were concerned about the sentience of all beings including human babies, we would have to change course in many ways, but like shit dude I think we are due for a paradigm shift! And I think it should entail fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh including babies and all bugs and animals in sentient beings! Our definition of consciousness is sooooo fucking adult anthropocentric that it makes us blind to sooooo much experience! It’s really sad actually.

I’m done for now. Bye!