is the enemy of reason. That’s what the attending said the other day. I don’t remember in response to what, but there was a real sense that.......... Like.... I just responded a little more viscerally to it than I do to any other thing, because it shows you his fundamental principles. I didn’t hear that man speak much, so maybe that’s why that thing he said rings so loud in my head.
The more important thing is that i think he’s wrong. I think he’s wrong.
He’s wrong. He’s wrong. He’s wrong. I think he’s wrong. I think he’s wrong.
Or shit, no, he’s right. It’s just that it felt sooooo—like, my body really wanted to shut that shit down when I heard it, because it’s so in violation of what I really imagine for myself, and the label i’ve been given by O-- K-------, certified Other Crazy Person In Another Crazy Family. I don’t like the implication of 'superstition is the enemy of reason.' Like, okay, so are you saying you’re reason, and your enemy is superstition? Am I, then, your enemy?
This is where it gets dangerous sometimes. This is where it gets dangerous when you’re opting out. Because you’re opting out, but you’re still in, so you have to opt in in certain ways.....and shit...... uuhhhh, uhhhhhh, uuuuuhhhhhh, lol it’s just funny I guess!!!! But it’s the weekend now!!! So i’m going to have plenty of time to reflect on the week’s events and go into week three bells fuckin' ringing, brother. Now is the time when we get to start actually thriving. Two weeks in, i honestly feel like a literal professional now.
This should be a job: professional med student. If they just let me work there forever and i just get pulled aside for certain tasks or something..... If the lifestyle were more humane than it is for the residents, if i get to keep this schedule, i would honestly not hate it as a job. I would not hate it, i would just want to tweak some things about it, maybe. I’d still happily do some of the shit that i take little pleasure in, but maybe i could learn to take pleasure in them as time goes on.
It’s certainly nice to get encouragement, like i did from I----- today. She said that my presentation skills are great and that i can work on doing plans more system-based so it stays organized. That’s her one note for today. And it feels good. It feels actionable. Shit, i guess, yeah, it’s not a bad idea to get some feedback and be like 'please, dudes, no holds barred, can i please get some feedback......' so that can perhaps be the goal going into week three. I start pulling people aside and being like 'do you have any feedback for me....' Yeah, i think that’s a good idea: offer myself up as the subject of conversation, maybe....... I think that's not a bad idea.... I think it could actually...
Yeah, truth is the resolution going into week threeeeee. That’s what i need more of, more right and honest speech. Just be honest with 'em, kiddo. You can be honest.
It's really not gonna kill you, my friend.
I believe in you, so yeah, i guess i will just leave it at that for now. You’re doing a good job, and all your random anxieties will go away and come to pass and everyone will forget and then when you return to the grind on monday you can do the famed 'ask people for feedback' thing, i guess.... I don’t know, i’m trying to lay as low as i can and not get in the residents' way, but at the same time i'm gonna be in this bitch for much longer, so i might as well figure out how to make this shit painless or more painless. Like can y'all tell me how to be better at my job including how much i should be talking lol i guess that one we can leave underrrr the eerrrr iceberg of whatever, below the line, keep that one for in-the-moment-me to figure out, but... i think i can put myself more in the box. The outside-the-box thinking is allowed to come through when you think inside the box for the routine things. I think i’m starting to realize that.
Okay, realization alert. Realization a-fucking-lert. Let’s gooooo we love itttt i love it do you love it? I love it!