rewind Here we are in the park smoking a joint while I reel a bit after having tried to take my goddamn step 2 baseline exam unsuccessfully. That shit sucks. And I’m just simply not used to smoking in public so I’m like trying to keep myself in the flow of something so I don’t feel so weird about what I’m doing just like in general. Also realizing that uhhhhh. Fuck it. Gonna listen to music. st. vincent No, forget it. I’M GOING BACK TO WRITING. THERE’s nothing else I can even think of doing. There’s nothing else for me to do. This is the way of staying in the flow. This is the way of existing that allosws me to do whatever the fuck I want while also like getting my thought process written down. But the thought process is so slippery…. It’s so elusive. Like there could be an attempt to capture the thought process in its entirety, but that is just like simply impossible. Like what the hell. You have no way of eseeeing what I’m seeing right now. And all those novels that spend so much time on exposition and trying to poetically show you what the environment and shit is like, like if i were to try to describe to you the people sitting in front of me or the one sitting behind me or like the leaves on the plants to the right of me, it would be like……. That’s sort of voyeuristic, don’t you think. To want so badly to see what someone else sees? Why can’t i just see it and we leave it at that: just me seeing it? Why don’t we just do that? Why can’t we all just exist in our own worlds and have it be fine if they don’t intersect all the time, and have the proximity being enough and you can put yourself in any of the cracks of the world and seeee around there for a littlllllleeee bit? cities are literally the place where natures attempts to break through artifice and we’re all doing it in different ways but the same ultimate way. we are some of the most particilariatonallll artificial things that have ever existed to the point where almost all of us live in these big cities and its like holy shit guys what are we doing here like i get it like it make everything really easy like you can really just go where you want its like totally coloinzed pieces of earth but colonizeed from the earth itself like using the earth against itself or osmetohing flattening it out in the human ways and just like idkkkk its really weird to exist in the human world and i sort of hate the idea of it ilike i want to be a hermit in every sense of the word i think thats what im supposed to be doing like im clearly not a part fo this city but i am but im not gbecuase like i can tell how much i wannea leave all the time and shit and its just like eyahaahhhhh. Now i’m catching a chill its like im catching a little bit of a chill but its like i dont want to go inside i odnont wnat to goo oo back to a▒▒▒▒’s parents apartment veacuasuusueeuueue because avuwacause .. who hcaares about the reason this is just what it is l…. Getting a little colder, wanting to go somewhere else, try out something different, see where else i can go and fell like im still anonymous oorrrr whatever like ultimately im unot supposed tio live in a city for real like theres no point in it like hol syysyys hit. Watchin the guys who were sitting in front of me walk awawayyyy and its so tripppy like they just smokekddddd so fucking much and now thereeyreyye just like going into the world like lmao this shit is crazy to me and makes me feel more confident in sitting in the weirdo section of theeeee park like the guy behind me just laughinggggggg lauuhghging intermittently loudly for an hour on end.