today is the first day of the rest of my life. and what do i do with it? so far.... no weed, nothing like that, yet. i might.... you know what kendrick says about how he doesn’t usually do drugs but when he’s with the homies, trails.... off? that’s how i’m approaching this evening at the club and at the pregame.

since hearing about limerence from e▒▒▒ yesterday, i am a little more sensitive to my own delusional and magical thinking.

this is how i became gay. this is how i make sense of it. my grandparents on my mom’s side had seven children. my mom was the youngest, and she was born when my grandmother was forty-one, i think the story goes. by that point, my grandma had been so fertile, and she had made so many babies who had already had children. my mom was an aunt as soon as she was born. it was somewhat fated that my mom would be something of an optional figure in the world, genetically speaking, and that any kids she created would themselves be the end of the road. that is how i conceive my oooowwnnnn homosexuailty, and how i conceive my sister’s reluctance or ambilvalence to having children. i really don’t see this family continuing past the two of us. i think for my part i’m the last one who will be... carrying these particular genes.... these genes, you know, are going to be the last ones, i’m pretty sure. and as for my sister, well, i’ll just wait and see what she ends up doing. but i feel like... i’m not really sure.

what will become mof me? i’m not quite sure. i know that errr.... i know that i’m here in the summertime. i’m goign to just be doing me all summer, so it seeems.

i might want to take a nap, actually. i might want to take a nap right now, actually. that seems pretty nice. should i do that? i’lllll do it once the laundery is finished, because i have thirteen minutes left of that, and we all know how the washing machine loves to repeatedly sound its alarm once it’s finshed so you don’t forget about it. so really i wouldn't be able to fall asleep until that is finished. unitl i can move the lanudndry from the washer to the dryer. so for now i willl... lie down, at least, though.... you know when you know something is about to feel good that you’re almost like, 'oh, that feels good,' even before you’ve done it? that’s how i felt just now as i was about to lie down. 'oh, that feels good,' i thought, before i even had liiiiiied down. and i think maybe there’s something that feels good and rewarding about the mere act of obeying your own wishes... about taking care of yourself, about even just the decision having been made. so it seems like it’s not even about the actual desitnation, even on a neurological level. on a neurochemical level, it seems like the reward comes when you make the decision.

is that just how my programming is? is that how i managed to get through med school, bbbbbbbbbecause i knew that i had already made the decision not to continue, so the relief came from the decision having been made, and then the actual act of relaxing is not so rewarding, because i’ve already gotten the reward?

but no, i’m sure there are more rewards to be found in the life that is now set up for me after having not forced myself to conitnue along this path. it would be totally against...totally counter to everything i know about myself and life. i’m not doing it. i can’t do it. i’m not interesteedddddd in doing it. i can’t do it. i know i can’t do residency, at all. i know i can’t do it.

shfc now i’m alone in this world, a true civilian, a citizen of the world... and what will i do, you know? will i take a boat somewhere else? i might take a boat somewhere else. that might be interesting. i thought about that last year in shfc. i was like... what if i took a boat somewhere? what if i took a boat and traveled across the ocean and find myself somewhere else, somewhere that isn’t america?

i’m going to continue to just, you know, do me... and even if this right here is all i do for the rest of my life... i’m okay with it...... promise that you will sing about me... promise that you will sing about me... this is kinda like that song brittany murphy. i like that musicians like making music about what’s going tohapepn after they die. for me, i find that it’s almost a false thing to think about: what happens after i’m dead. because i won’t be hethere. but as a listener who has my own life, it’s somewhat interesting and even comforting to know that someone else is considering what things will happen after THEY are dead, because i know that... er, i can at least picture a world in which kendrick lamar or slayyyter are dead. because they are not me, and when they are dead, it’s quite possible that i will still be alive. so there you have that.

now that i’m not in an interesting environment, now that i’m lying here on my couch, is there anything interesting i can say? is there anything i can say? anything i can even say? is there anything i can even say? is there anything i can say? anything i can say? anything i can say that’s worth reading?

there is a delusion that i’d like to extinguish: that the point of writing is reading. that’s not the point. i’m writing... the things that i write that i find are most worth reading are the ones written when iiiii had no observer in my mind at all. it’s better not to be observed.

how toooo kill the part of you that cringes? how do we kill the parts of us that cringe? that’s a good question for the culture right now. i wonder. how can we actually really kill the parts of us that cringe?

i think one thing to do for it is to go outside, to accmumulate more experiences so that the cringe of it all gets smaller and smaller in your mind’s eye and thoughts... you don’t have to cringed if the part of you that cringes is dead, and you can kill the part of you that cringes by having new experiences. you just do the cringe thing and then move on and do something else. you gotta do all kinds of things in life to forget about all the things you've doen. let the other people remember the importatnt parts... it doesn’t matter what youuuuuu know about yourself..

i’m so tired. i’m going to take the world’s greatest nap, so that i can be fully in rally mode for the club tonight. i’m looking forward to it. aren't you? i sure am. i’m looking forward to going to the club. i think it’s going to be fun. and i’ve done like three laods of laundry already today. or this is number three in there... the third load of dark clothing that i’ll have washed. and now i can promise that i won’t let it accumulate in that way again. now i’m out of school and i have nothing but time to give to things like laundry and dishes and whatever esle it takes to keep a good apartment.

and as for theanxiety that sometimes comes and finds me, i wonder what’ll happen with that. iiiiiiiiiii am incliiiiiiined to think that the anxiety is not going to just disappear like that, because it’s been trained into me. but part of what i’m doing right now is healing and deprogramming. so this right here, this right now, is part of my deprogramming efforts. i’m not interested in being in the medical world, being a doctor. so what i need to do is detach myself from it in any way possible, by any means necessary.

and shoutout to malcolm x...i often think about his time in prison and how he used the time for edification and education. he read books and he learned a great deal about islam.

you can introduce bias to people through their education. i’m just thinking about how you can selectively teach people one thing and not some other thing. i suppose that’s what they’re doing in schools right now. trump is trying to take slavery out of the curriculum. he’s trying to get future generations to not learn about slavery in the first place. he wants to collectively forget the whole thing of it. but we can’t let that happen. we can’t let it happen.

it's time to get into some real political education. i think it would be nice to go to school to become a teacher and become a teacher.

is it possible to do it here? it’s possible, of course, but what’s even more important than that is to save some time for my summer vacation, to save some time for my own political education to continue. i can keep reading fanon. i can read black skin white masks. i can read anything. i can engage with the people in my own life...i can take this summer as a sabbatical. i can lose track of what day it is. i can lose track ofeveerything but my own writing and the people in my life. i can lose track of all of it, really. i can just lose track... i can just lose track. and i can maintain a sharpness....

lose track ii i felelelel that i hear the laundry finishing. is that true? yes, it is. here i go. one second.