today is the first day of the rest of my life. and what do i do with it? you know what kendrick says about how he doesn’t usually do drugs, but when he’s with the homies....

since hearing about limerence from e▒▒▒ yesterday, i am a little more sensitive to my own delusional and magical thinking.

what will become of me? i’m not quite sure.

i might want to take a nap, actually. should i do that? i’ll do it once the laundry is finished, because i have thirteen minutes left of that, and we all know how the washing machine loves to repeatedly sound its alarm once it’s finshed so you don’t forget about it. i wouldn't be able to fall asleep until i've moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer. for now i will lie down, at least.

you know when you know something is about to feel good, and you’re like, 'oh, that feels good,' before you’ve even done it? that’s how i felt just now as i was about to lie down. 'oh, that feels good,' i thought. i think maybe there’s something that feels good and rewarding about the mere act of obeying your own wishes... about taking care of yourself, about even just the decision having been made. it seems like it’s not even about the actual destination, so to speak, even on a neurological level. it seems like the reward comes when you make the decision.

is that just how my programming is? is that how i managed to get through med school, bbbbbbbbbecause i knew that i had already made the decision not to continue, so the relief came from the decision having been made, and then the actual act of finishing is not so rewarding, because i already got the reward?

but no, i’m sure there are more rewards to be found in this new life.

greece now i’m alone, a true civilian, a citizen of the world... and what will i do? take a boat somewhere? i thought about that last year in greece. i was like... what if i took a boat somewhere that isn’t america?

i’m going to continue to just, you know, do me... and even if this right here is all i do for the rest of my life... i’m okay with it...... promise that you will sing about me... promise that you will sing about me... this is kinda like that song brittany murphy. i like that musicians like making music about what’s going to happen after they die. for me, i find that it’s almost a false thing to think about: what happens after i’m dead. because i won’t be there. but as a listener who has my own life, it’s somewhat interesting and even comforting to know that someone else is considering what things will happen after THEY are dead, because i know that... er, i can at least picture a world in which kendrick lamar or slayyyter are dead. because they are not me, and when they are dead, it’s quite possible that i will still be alive.

now that i’m not in an interesting environment, now that i’m lying here on my couch, is there anything interesting i can say? anything i can say that’s worth reading?

how do we kill the parts of us that cringe? that’s a good question for the culture right now. i wonder.

kill i think one thing to do for it is to go outside, to accmumulate more experiences so that the cringe gets smaller and smaller in your mind’s eye and thoughts... you can kill the part of you that cringes by having new experiences. you do the cringe thing then do something else. you gotta do all kinds of things in life to forget about all the things you've done. let the other people remember the important parts... it doesn’t matter what youuuuuu know about yourself..

i’m so tired. i’m going to take the world’s greatest nap, so that i can be fully in rally mode for the club tonight. i’m looking forward to it. aren't you? i sure am. i’m looking forward to going to the club. i think it’s going to be fun. and i’ve done like three loads of laundry already today. and now i can promise that i won’t let it accumulate in that way again. now i’m out of school, and i have nothing but time to give to things like laundry and dishes and whatever esle it takes to keep a good apartment.

and as for the anxiety that sometimes comes and finds me, i wonder what’ll happen with that. iiiiiiiiiii am incliiiiiiined to think that the anxiety is not going to disappear just like that, because it’s been trained into me. but part of what i’m doing right now is healing and deprogramming. so this right here, this right now, is part of my deprogramming efforts.

and shoutout to malcolm x... i often think about his time in prison and how he used the time for edification and education. he read books and he learned about islam.

trump is trying to take slavery out of the curriculum. he’s trying to prevent future generations from learning about slavery in the first place. he wants to collectively forget the whole thing of it. we can’t let it happen.

it's time to get into some real political education.

i hear the laundry finishing.