Oh brother. Oh brother. First I tried too hard to make a connection with the parents I saw—I think I was too awkward around them or something—and I just like.... Fuck lol I just tried to do the behavior that was modeled to me and I talked to them and I spoke to them and fuck lol fuckkkkkk so embarrassing I created one of the most stumbly sentences of all time: something like “i heard or overheard or just like you had mentioned alluded you are pediatric doctor” or some stupid shit and she was like "no i’m an adult doctor haha yeah not used to the babies" or something, and then she just like... FUCK!!!! But the intention was pure and I was

Sorry, H----- asked me for a favor, which was to meet the medical student who’s shadowing here at 8:50.

And you know, this is just how it goes in here. I need to get my distress tolerance up. It’s okay, my friend. It’s okay that you stumbled over your every word when trying to follow up with this family. You could’ve just left it at the introduction, but you pressed the matter and you went for the wrong option.... What you were thinking was that you saw she had an emotional reaction yesterday and you really......... errrrr, you approached with the right intention but the wrong speech, and i think that’s okay, because you’re still learning. You’re still learning how to approach people and shit, and you’re not yet fully formed. You’re still learning.

i’m giving myself grace in this moment. It wasn’t perfect, but i’m part of the team and wanted to introduce myself and stuff and if i really want to, i can check in on them at some later time or whatever the fuck lol. i’m just sort of eeeehhhhhhhh, you know, i was trying to be a therapeutic presence over there, but i wasn’t able to tap into the thearpaeuticness that i’m trying to bring to the table, and i think that’s okay. You can’t always be on or somethingggg. That’s all i would say is that you can’t always be on. Sometimes you.... i’ll take you through the momeomeomenttnoetnt. i saw them and locked eyes i think with the mom and i was like 'oh, i could talk to them,' but decided to keep walking, cuz i had business with the baby i’ve been following. Instead, i got through the double doors and then had l’esprit d’escalier or some shit and i just likeeee fuckingggggg went back cuz i was like, 'no, you know what, let me listen to my gut,' but the problem was discerning what was gut, and the gut was perhaps actually telling me not to go talk to them, but instead i did talk to them....

But you know what? What i did was what i diddddd, and what i did was what i did, and now they have more evidence for med students being sucky and awkward, terrible weirdos ss ss lols slllalllldlll i just don’t want her to think i was networking or some shit like that t tt t t like she kept looking at the baby instead of me when i was over there.... I think maybe i was like.... I was too in my own head to be the kind of therapeutic presence i wanted to be. i couldn’t think of how to name her emotion from yesterday without making her feel exposed or something, but really that would’ve been the key to having the conversation i wanted to have, so like uererrrghghgh fuck lol fuck me lol but you knowwww nothing can be perfect and shit, and i’m right now actively trying to talk myself through this shit and doing my best, i’m trying my best here.

The issue is that i felt so weird and dysregulated after that encounter that then, when i went to examine my baby, i was feeling all out of sorts and shit and fuck dude and shit, anddddd then she was crying and i couldn’t soothe her, but ultimately i think what she needs is more food, she’s starving, and i tried giving her her little sucky thing, but she didn’t want it, i think becuase it wwasn’t providing food. But shit dude, lol now i’m still just trying to get to the other side of these weird feelings and you gotta forgive yourself in real time for these little switches up, you gotta get over shit real quick or else you’ll carry it to the next thing and it’ll contaminate the next thing. But you gotta be okay you gotta be okay you gotta be ready for the next thing like let’s go ahead and soothe ourselves with the meditation and the words let’s remind ourselves it’s good whatever you’re offering is good you have the right intention right mindfulness still working on right speech still working on right timing whatever like this is the eightfold path i’m working on it okay.

Right speech is about beneficial communication, and the communication i just offered was not beneficial. In fact, it might have been stressful, it might have been... i didn’t offer anything to them. It was more for my own benefit. i’ll keep working on that, and my right effort is going into the right mindfulness right now. Keeping the clear mind and shit, and i’m trying so hard. i’m also trying not too hard that it would be grasping at straws. So i’m really just like.... Sometimes you have to let things rest and sit around. You have to really let things rest sometimes. This time i happened to not get the right speech, right, and my communication was not so beneficial.... But if i were to go back then it’s grasping, so i think right now all i can do is let go of the negativeness that i am feeling toward myself and put the effort toward right effort. i’m trying to understand what happened there and what went wrong and how to make it right in the future.

And how to make it right in the future would be to make truth be more prioritized by me. Prioritize truth. Trrueututhhh is the most important thing, and i didn’t share the truth with her, which was that i saw her start to cry yesterday, and that made me cry, and it made me appreciate the vulnerability of her position, and it moved me and touched me. So if i were to go back and do it again, if i were to.... Fuck.

What the real truth is is that i deferred the conversation until it was the wrong time, and it led to the wrong speech. My intention yesterday was to talk to that family yesterday. It was my intention to go back in the afternoon and talk to them in the afternoon, but instead i did it in a way that was only right for me..... And i’m cringing at myself at the action.

But shit, life is about experiencing shit, and it’s about doing stuff, like actually making mistakes and doing shit so you have the tension and so you have things to learn from. Better that i went ahead and tried my hand at commniuunicating with them and failed, you know? It’s better to have failed.... i made her feel possibly like i had invaded her privacy.... And you know....... Shit, now i feel like i’ve wronged them somehow, and that i should go back....

Maybe i owe them an apology, frankly..... My intention was to come in and see how they were doing, but shit.... Maybe i don’t owe them an apology at all. i didn’t say anything harmful, it was just that.... I was misaligned, i was misaligned, and instead i may have brought them more stress than anything, fuck, i just like..... I didn’t go in with the right speech, i didn’t have the right mindfulness, it was a spur of the moment thing, and i treated it like a thlhtilngngng gng fufkckck what am i even trying to say at this point, i'm just letting myself get all freaked out by it, and shit, we can just sort of let it go. It’s fine. They’re going to be fine. It’s all fine. Weird things like this happen all the time...... i don’t know.... Maybe they saw that my intentions were right, i had the right intentions, and yeah, it is all just okay.... They did... the dad thanked me at the end, so like.... Shit, lol..... Errrrrrrr, damn. Idk man . .... Idk about this one... it’s a tricky one.... The impulse is to go back and be like 'guys i’m sorry for that little outburst i had. the truth is that i really resonated with your experience, and i felt very much a swelling of compasssion, and i wanted to check in with you because' shit..... But no, it’s all fine, they have each other, it’s all fine, stop, you’re all good brother, it’s all okay. Here comes Y---.