all gas all flowing river water skull full of neurons making superstructures in there infinitely complex but deceptively simple when it comes down to it with a certain spark that must be magic but it’s just the magic of emergent properties or is that just the scientific phrase for magic nowadays? the further you go into science the more you have to chock things up to magic more and more hallways of knowledge it's like scooby doo you only get a certain amount of time per episode you gotta handle the big threats the ones that are in your way for real no time to go after the little truths of the universe the ones that exist in a single atom just like that book i got dad that he never read and will likely never read unless he undergoes a dramatic, phineas gage-like frontal lobe injury that changes his personality completely and causes him to value the things i recommend to him and stop giving his life away to this business that is entirely subject to the whims of bad actors when will he learn he's not in control and never has been when will he realize the american dream is nothing it's hollow, the victory the "other side" is the same as it is for everyone and always has been forever death followed by oblivion all these things he's building up in this life will be defeated and shrink into nothing maybe that's why he seems to have a death wish, because he knows there’s absolutely nothing left so he drinks himself into A Blivion and waits until sleep takes over but even while he sleeps he can't find true peace cuz he has apnea which means he stops breathing which means his sleep is actually bad for him instead of good it's like he's taking damage instead of getting healed it's like the toxic ooze pokemon ability where when you use absorb you lose health instead of gaining that's like his sleep even though i've told him in every possible way that he's a little bitch for not getting cpap and everyone else does it it seems like the more i tell him about how other people use it and it's universally recommended, the more he gets conspiratorial about it but honestly who gives a fuck about that man he can choke there's never going to be any getting through to him only thing that will build is resentment and that's sad but it's true i can't control his actions you can't make someone act the way you think they should we're all too enigmatic we don't even obey our own commands making certain headways in my own mind with little awareness of the things that have been said before clear-eyed closed-eyed focus on the path ahead ignoring the sinking feeling in my stomach from having so many boys on my phone in various states of conversation the ones who i want not really wanting me back and the other ones just kind of there and who knows who else and it's all very overstimulating and i shouldn't allow myself to fall into this trap of thinking that the social world exists on my phone like yes it kinda does but it mostly does not at the end of the day you're laying in bed with your eyes closed casting spells and you have a witch hat on and your stupid eyebrows make you look like that super christian girl who said god has smiled upon her and tomorrow is monday time for another great week in the life who knows what will happen we are going to just have to see how the seeds that we've sown will be reaped infinite possibilities i think i'm ready to switch over to the privacy and comfort of my own head a little redux some unfinished business don't be alarmed if it's still weird just stay the course and keep your head up and not down keep that thing up you're alive so look it and act it and make sure you have fun and love yourself and those around you something about axons