the nick you is sort of evil. part of what makes it hard for me to stomach—this idea of committing myself and putting best feet forward—is that i’m giving myself to an institution which i think is evil.

not interested i think of the bible quote from daliwali about how an evil tree cannot bear good fruit, just as a good tree bears good fruit and not evil fruit. the hospital as an evil tree, and all of the experiences i could glean from it being evil fruit.

https://daliwali.neocities.org/a/against-the-claymen/ i don’t know if there are any real good fruits i could take from this experience. but then i think about how, by living in the united states, you’re also seeking out fruits that will be nothing but evil….

I guess this is a point for not doing things. But is it possible? It’s like the Margaret Atwood thing about how no matter what, on your knees or on a pedestal, it’s all part of the male fantasty. I feel like that’s also true about living under american surveillance-techno-fascism/capitalism. The tree is not going to bear good fruit, on my knees or on a pedestal, and all of my efforts are only going to get me bad fruits.

I think I need to drop out. Yesterday, today, right now, tomorrow, all the time. I need to be out of there right now.

I honestly think that’s the best thing for me to do right now, quite honestly. I think the best thing i could possibly ever do right now is drop the fuck out. Oh my god, i think i need to do it.

I think i need to do it, but i’m pretty sure i won’t.

But this whole fruit thing is really making me think. Why am i striving after false fruit from a bad fucking tree? Why am i looking for a degree from this fucking school? It makes me a hypocrite, and i don’t like being a hypocrite. I dislike it so much that i would consider dropping out ten months before graduation, with only a few weeks of actually doing shit standing between me and the dgegree.

It’s a decision i have to make for myself, and I’m not going to postpone it.

I think i want to drop out. Life is so fucking short, bro, and you can feel it in every fucking second in that place. You can literally just feel it. That’s why it’s called the nick you. It’s nicking you.

Moments like this are the ones that make me want to go conscious-inertia mode. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I think i need to drop out. I think i need to literally drop out. And if i do, i need to do it before anyone can say anything to change my mind.

Think about the cycles of dread you went through when it came to starting this month, and how now you’ve started it, and you’ve landed back in this familiar spot of wanting to drop out. So what do you do? do you keep doing what you’ve always done each time before: coward out and keep fucking going? Do you just keep going like everyone wants you to? You keep going, don’t you? You keep going, don’t you?

Or do you realize that a bad tree will only bear bad fruit? Or do you reject that premsie and choose to see things more nondually, realize how damaging christian ideology is in the first place, to even think that there could be good and bad trees? Are you not trapping yourself in the ultimate parentheses by listening to dualism?

I can find the nondual way to appraoch this, i know i can, i think i can, i’m pretty sure i can. I think i can do it. I think i can do it, i think i can do it.

But what do we do, then? What did we settle on? Do we believe what was written in the bible, becuase of how true it felt in the moment, or do we believe in nondualism and listen to all the signs of the world around me, like the wind blowing just then, and we just agree to proceed as nondualistically as possible, no grasping, just living and observing and loving-kindnessing?

People wanna see your smile. They wanna help you. They want you to help them. They would never admit that part, and would never actually ask for it, but I think it’s what they want.

And what i want right now is just what keeps happening: the present moment. I think that’s all i want. my eyes close. it’s good, isn’t it.

Of course, the middle way will be the best thing to do here. Not dropping out but not being a tryhard med student. Iteration will be the name of the game. We can just keep iterating and seeing what works.

But we need to figure out what to do with all that time in rounds. What do I do with all that time that i have to just think? I’m expected to be listening the whole time, but no one is really checking that i’m listening, are they, and they’re all secretly working on their own other things, aren’t they, but they’re also fully aware that they’re part of the superoragnism, and the leader will get upset with them if they’re not fully engaged. Ugh, the mental calculus going into all of it is exhausting, so i’d rather not even think about it.

Look, dude, it’s fine to just survive this thing. It’s fine to just survive and get it over with and be done. But it’s also fine to strive toward thriving, wouldn’t you say? It’s also fine to try being a team player and participate in good faith and talk to the residents more and open up to them and be there for them like i was talking about earlier. we can do all fo these things, or we could suddenly one day decide to do none of them.

But one thing is true right now, and that is that we are done with day one. We surivived, and it’s a good thing. Doesn’t it feel better now than it did before?

To make a long story short, and to wrap it all up in a nice little bow, i don’t need to drop out becuase nondualism has triumphed in my own imagination again, and i also don’t need to do anything any differently than i‘ve been doing.

You’ve been surivivng this whole time. You know what bare minimum looks like, and you know how to make it look good, so just keep it going. You can just live in the fucking moment. Nothing about anything needs to get planned right now.

It’s a good idea to let your mind rest.

I don’t know if any of this is what i wanted it to be going into it: a somber meditation on all of the patients i’d seen today, going through all my experiences and reporting on them like i’m george orwell. I’m not george orwell, bitch, he’s dead. I’m doing this shit my own way, so you can take it or leave it. i’m not forcing myself to talk about SHIT. enjoy it. Or don’t. I love you either way!