one day in the life
Ok i neeed to like
actually pause and try to figure out what's going on right now or else i'm just gonna keep sprialing into whatever this strange feeling is the one where i just took step 1 and finally loook in the mirror and see what i've become or some shit like idk the self hatred was sort of just like hitting for a sec and i'm like why did i just spend two months doing that it seems kinda stupid of me like what's the point ultimately in getting a degree from this fuckass institution that will probably like be shamed out of existence at some point soon ;ole odl ,am ots kist govomg jprrob;e adm ju[pcrotoca; omstotitotopm and now they've tapped WHO as the new president? anyway i need to sit down and take a moment and try to reorient myself to person place time thing whatever noun adjective r[prpobverb what have you it's about centering yourself after you've started to drift off and coming bback to one or something like that you know what i mean
were you just going to try lamenting for a long time and see where that led?
"I don’t know what way is up or down," that’s the kind of thing the old me would've said. But i know that up is up and down is down just like i always have and never really listened to. not when it matters , at least not recently.
Damn ok we’re going there then i guess what i mean is like why do i continue to put up with this shit when i obviously and clearly do not want to be a doctor anymore? I guess the good thing is that i have all this time to figure my shit out and have a summer vacation . the summer vacation starts right now by the way. This was my last day of trapppedness and now i get to figure out what the new life is and that's what we're doing in san francisco no matter what i have to do
the next thing we're doing is figuring out “WHAT TO DO NEXT” and yes i think it's not too early to be thinking about that because like wtf else is there to do lol no more studying needs to get done but i have to admit it was a good way to use my directing mind i think something to make me smarter is a very welcome thing here. So yeah i need a different edifying activity that isn't just the blanket vanity of making art like that can't be the whole thing not even for just a little bit you know like we need to be locked in and we need to be figuring out what the purpose in the world is and like going toward that purpose instead of whiling away all your fucking time at the expense of your mental health your relationships with your friends, your separation from the insides of a dsm, for example, hello bitch i'm saying this to you now like holy shit let's think about it for one minute but first .
pauseeee pause pause apuse pausep uase.
Deep breath .
another deep breath .
exhale.
Like ok we are going to be okay first and foremost
that's it, right?
Even though you were thinking about hemorrhage in the car and what would happen if it happened to you , that's not really- we., i don't know about tha- it's just not something we're trying to figure out right now ok?
that's what step 1 has taught me. I don't have the risk factors. I only have the vernacular that is required to tell OTHERS about the risk factors that they definitely have and judging them for it because why would you be doing risk factors don't you want to live a happy and heathy life?
Why would you be engaging in political discourse on campus what do you think that's going to accomplish? Also ps this is a warning we're warning you because it's actually fucked rn and you're gonna DIEEEE or something. is that the threat that's implicit in all this shit that they're doing? The anonymous phone calls and stuff like that. The dethroning of former class presidents?
the intrigue really is.... intriguing. But not just on a literary level. This is a LIVES level we're talking about here. Ahem. not just a matter of ideas but a matter of those ideas put into action and those actions having consequqquneces.
yeah
Do you ever get struck with suddden doubt about ur whole mode of existence??? Just the everything of it the appearances that you're putting up and the things you're trying to do like for what? It's insane. Taking step 1..... FOR WHAT?????? holy shit i just studied for two months straight and then took this exam and now i'm done and the only thing i feel is .........regret??? Like wait........ What the hell was that for and what was that and omg what am i doing staying in this hotel so i can take a fucking test and then go to california to derp around like....... What is this life it's genuinely very disorienting
what this all is and how we got here?