SHOULD I FUKING KILL MYSELF???? I’m not going to but it’s an idea isn’t it? It’s still just an idea. Not going to ever act on it, god forbid i ever acted upon it. Sometimes when i go on instagram though i just start thinking again and realizing that wait i don’t want there to be any record of my existence and im a p[iece of shit and im a loser and everyone hates me and and and

I lashed out at z▒▒▒ just now because he asked some question about how if he saw my sister at a bar would she think he was hot or sexy-hot, and i was like when are you gonna kill yourself and used the word fucking a lot and i really was really mean and i think then he went for a run. And i continued to look out the window and eat my breakfast and i realizedd that i think im actually just a cunt like am i actually a horrible person and a mean-spirited person who thinks he’s getting called to this spiritual working life and it’s like baby that’s shit. It’s like youre nothing yhoure nothing youre nothing. And then i get like oh you should be doing more stuff and thinking less but then its like ok well what the fuck do you want me to do like what the hell is there to even do i got nowhere to go nothing to do and im sure i could think of some shit but then thats liek a whole thing and then its like ok well what the hell else are you going to do, stand around at your old keyboard and just write all day? That doesn’t seem tooo good either like what the hell are we even doing? I think im losing the plot altogether.

we need to get the grace grfrom ourselves. We need to give myself grace. Ewweeee nmeed to like remind me that the only thing im meant to be doing is just like existing right now and anything i do that isnt smoking weeed is honestly a revelation. Last week i know taht i was all up in my academic grindset and yeah that was great and i felt really good after but i dont feel like doing something liek that today. I think one thing i want to do now is work out. lets get a workout in or something. We can start lifting some weights right now why dont we just do that. as long as im not feeling like leaving the house at the moment i might as well move my body around and get my body looking right. Biut then its like ok why are you doing that just for the approval of other gay men who will likely still not even give you the time of day blah blah blah.

Its all just funny. this is all subject to change at literally any given moment. There could be something that happens that just makes all of this shit moot. And that something will happen pretty soon or not pretty soon but like at some point in the near future, and that something is death. Its the thing that makes everything else seem so ridiculous and we cant seem to remember to forget it for long enough to ….. No, thats not what i was trying to say.

Who cares its more about just like getting shit out of my system and writing down the things that come to mind and having time away from the weed. I think every second away from smoking weed will be counted as a victory or something. Who cares. I dont know whats going on anymore. Who cares. I dont know. What the hell sure. No need to think or explain myself stop stop stop stop stop stoposotpsotsptosptostpsotpsot.

And for those who are accusing me of psychosis or some kind of other mental illness i would say the following you should kill yuourself shut the fuck up theres no such thing as mental illness i fully dont believe in it anymore every mental illness is just a response to living in a fucked up horrific horrible awful terribel society where there are no good people anymore everyone is evil in their own horrible sinister way we are all fucking evil there is nothing radical about this existence that im living there is nothing ethical or good or moral about the shit im doing so i need to stop acting ilike im some kind of good person im not good at all. Im good in some ways but deep down i think im not good.

But then there is no deep down theres no fundamental self so theres my way of avoiding accountability for being an asshole when i think of myself as an organism with a long series of inputs at every given moment and seemingly only one output at a time im able to avoid accountability. like when i lashed out at z▒▒▒ i was like well i just like a porcupine.