Observed an old man's psychiatry appointment today. He was just speaking facts the whole time. One of the things he talked about was how god somehow made himself vulnerable in creating us, but like any good artist, he sort of stepped aside after. His vulnerability allows him to be in relationship with us. That’s why he made us, or something? Who knows. When we create things, we make ourselves vulnerable but also invite relationships. It seems like creation is something we share with god. It seems like creating things is a good way to pay my respects to god. Do I believe in god? That doesn’t really seem to matter in all this.

The old man also talked about his abuse and how he dissociated out of his body while his mom was beating him up as a kid, and how that’s how he knows for a fact that the soul is real. Because how else would he have known what the room looks like from the corner where the wall meets the ceiling? He had never seen it from that angle before. I felt extremely moved by the whole thing. It made me feel good about the world. This is one of the beauties of psychiatry: getting to see those casual moments of genius in "regular people" when you allow them to open up.

Feeling pretty aimless these days. Wishing it would pass, as usual. Thinking about the next two days of clinic and not really wanting to go to them. Not really wanting to go to any of the things I’ve been assigned for this quarter. Schedules dropped today. Another day with x? x? OB wards times two? Jesus. I’d rather not. But it’s the last one. It’s gonna be a lot of lasts coming up soon. For example, tomorrow is my last day with Dr. x. Maybe? I didn’t see him again on my schedule. Better make it count I guess? I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Who gives a fuck, honestly. None of this really means much to me. Well, yes it does, of course it does. I have to be present for these things, I know. But I’m not at a thing right now. Do I still have to be present? Yes, you fuck. You have to be present. It’s your life. Ugh, gross. I don’t know. I’m just feeling weird. Maybe I need to give up the weed again. It’s making my brain feel strange. Maybe it shouldn’t be an every day thing. It’s turned into an every day thing again. Relapsed into an old pattern of behavior that I put a stop to because it was fucking up my life. And my life got better after I gave up the habit.

God dammit, do I need to flush my weed again? No, that’s not the right decision. I need to be better about setting boundaries for myself. Wake up some mornings and say, “I will not get high today.” Those days always feel like I mean business, and they make the day easier because I know that I won’t have to decide later. I know that I won’t be able to make the impulsive decision, because I care enough about myself and respect myself enough to listen to my own rules. It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel like setting rules for myself because I don’t see the point in setting them. Those are the days when I end up smoking weed.

This is all too navel-gazey. Most people don’t spend this much time thinking about how much they smoke weed, and arbitrarily punishing themselves for it. Most people just vibe… right? I punish myself too much. What I’m doing right now is just unnecessarily punishing myself. What did I do??? Nothing. I did what you told me to, the whole time. I’m just following orders. How I exist now is just a result of decisions I’ve made. Why would I punish myself for that? Shouldn’t I have sympathy for myself, if anything, and do better for my future self going forward?

It’s honestly hard, this whole process. I don’t quite know what the process is at this point. Is it growing up, or is it school? Whatever it is, it’s hard. Maybe life is just hard in general. People tend to find life hard, do they not? Life is just one of those things that’s hard. But is it even hard? Don’t you just have to keep going, basically? There aren’t really any rules that are so difficult to follow. I sleep every night for at least eight hours. Even when others are pulling all-nighters and waking up early as fuck to get to the hospital to do busywork, I sleep as much as I need and want, and I love myself for it. And do well just the same. I also haven’t been consuming caffeine. I’m nothing like you bitches. I sleep, I don’t take caffeine, and I do smoke weed. And I do study. And I do write. And I do make music. And I do hang out with my friends. And I do eat food. And I do listen to music. And I do read sometimes. And I do kiss boys if I can get around to it. And I do go to the movies. And I do think about making my own movies. Any questions?

Thinking about how Howell-Jowell bodies or whatever the fuck get stuck in red blood cells in people with sickle cell disease because they have functional asplenia and the spleen is supposed to remove the Jowell bodies… like, that’s crazy!... I actually have nothing else to say about it. And that’s the problem with studying medicine.

Wait, why does it feel like a relief to say that? I feel like I’ve just identified a big problem: the things I’m learning feel like dead ends. Like… what am I going to do with that information? Find someone with sickle cell and ask them to show me their blood? Or diagnose someone with sickle cell after looking at their blood under a microscope? Respectfully, I’m fine with leaving that one up to other people. I would rather think about other things.

But then again, isn’t it kind of cool to just learn something that is an end unto itself? And isn’t that just good practice for other things? Not expecting too much from a piece of information and appreciating it for what it is?

I’m sure there are a lot of subtle little things like that that I’ve taken away from school. Most of those things are impossible for me to consciously understand, and they’re the very things that will make me such a repulsive person to talk to for the average person. Like… people hate doctors, do they not? We find them sort of weird and inaccessible, do we not? We don’t quite feel comfortable sharing the whole story with them, do we? I’ve never done it, anyway. I know my family doesn’t do it. I know that it’s almost impossible to share the whole story with someone you barely speak to, anyway.

What’s a doctor to do, really? I’m sure people like Dr. [psychiatrist] provide a valuable perspective and can serve as a problem-solver who’s removed enough from the situation to be sort of objective. But then they prescribe medications? Oh, that’s where you start to lose me. It starts to get a little too weird for my liking when you get meds involved. What happened to making people dinner?

I just can’t deal with the pharmacological aspect of medicine, I don’t think. And I don’t want to go through a training process that requires me to dispense said medications in order to get my license. I mean… are there residency programs where I can literally just sit and talk to people all day without needing to recommend medications and stupid shit like that? That sounds sort of like a different profession.

Am I going to have to come up with a list of things I don’t like about medicine and present them to someone in medicine for them to validate or invalidate? Show Dr. [dean] the list, and if she says, “These aren’t good reasons. Also, they’re not true,” then I do residency? It’s all too complicated. She has too much skin in the game. They all do. But maybe that’s a delusion I have. I’m the only one who seems to think this way, and yet somehow I think I’m right. Isn’t it usually a bad sign when you have a take this hot?

Who’s to say what all this amounts to, if anything. I’m getting tired. I think it’s time for bed. Tomorrow I will wake up nice and early so I can go to the zoom meeting of applicants to this program. I’m not sure what that’s gonna be like. I’m not sure how to act. The only thing I know how to do is be myself, so I guess I’ll do that. If they have any stupid questions, I hope I handle them gracefully. I’ll tell them to shut the fuck up if necessary. If anyone is annoying, I will tell them that they are. Just kidding. I’m just gonna improv it, obviously. I’m not x. I’m not x. And that’s a good start. KIDDING, KIDDING!!! Not really. Uh, I’m implicating myself. I should go now.

antennae tap