Observed an old man's psychiatry appointment today. He talked about was how god had made himself vulnerable in creating us, but like any good artist, he stepped aside after. It was his vulnerability and stepping-aside that allowed him to be in relationship with us.

When we create things, we make ourselves vulnerable but invite relationships. It seems like creation is something we share with god. It seems like creating things is a good way to pay my respects to god. Do I believe in god? That doesn’t seem to matter in all this.

The old man also talked about his abuse and how he dissociated out of his body while his mom was beating him up as a kid, and how that’s how he knows for a fact that the soul is real. Because how else would he have known what the room looks like from the corner where the wall meets the ceiling? He had never seen it from that angle before.

Feeling pretty aimless these days. Wishing it would pass, as usual.

Who gives a fuck, honestly. None of this really means much to me. Well, yes it does, of course it does. You have to be present for these things, you know. You have to be present. It’s your life. Ugh, gross. I don’t know. I’m just feeling weird.

It’s honestly hard, this whole process. I don’t quite know what the process is at this point. Is it growing up, or is it school? Whatever it is, it’s hard. Maybe life is just hard in general. People tend to find life hard, do they not? Life is just one of those things that’s hard. But is it even hard? Don’t you just have to keep going, basically? There aren’t really any rules that are so difficult to follow.

I’m nothing like you bitches. I sleep, I don’t take caffeine, and I do smoke weed. And I do study. And I do make music. And I do hang out with my friends. And I do eat food. And I do listen to music. And I do read sometimes. And I do kiss boys if I can get around to it. And I do go to the movies. And I do think about making my own movies. Any questions?

Thinking about how Howell-Jowell bodies or whatever the fuck get stuck in red blood cells in people with sickle cell disease because they have functional asplenia and the spleen is supposed to remove the Jowell bodies… like, that’s crazy!... I actually have nothing else to say about it. And that’s the problem with studying medicine.

Wait, why does it feel like a relief to say that? I feel like I’ve just identified a big problem: the things I’m learning feel like dead ends. Like… what am I going to do with that information? Find someone with sickle cell and ask them to show me their blood? Or diagnose someone with sickle cell after looking at their blood under a microscope? Respectfully, I’m fine with leaving that one up to other people. I would rather think about other things.

haus of myeloid

But then again, isn’t it kind of cool to just learn something that is an end unto itself? And isn’t that just good practice for other things? Not expecting too much from a piece of information and appreciating it for what it is?

I’m sure there are a lot of similarly subtle little things that I’ve taken away from school. Most of those things are impossible for me to consciously understand, and they’re the very things that will make me such a repulsive person to talk to for the rest of my life.

People hate doctors, do they not? We find them sort of weird and inaccessible, do we not? We don’t quite feel comfortable sharing the whole story with them, do we? I’ve never done it, anyway. I know my family doesn’t do it. I know that it’s almost impossible to share the whole story with someone you barely speak to, anyway.

What’s a doctor to do, really? I’m sure people like Dr. [psychiatrist] provide a valuable perspective and can serve as a problem-solver who’s removed enough from the situation to be sort of objective. But then they prescribe medications? Oh, that’s where you start to lose me. It starts to get a little too weird for my liking when you get meds involved. What happened to making people dinner?

Who’s to say what all this amounts to, if anything. I’m getting tired. I think it’s time for bed.

antennae tap