卌卌|||

Oh my fucking god

dude. Insane hour that just transpired. Absolutely insane. housing situation stressed all fucking business two options end up unhoused snatched up, and now there’s nothing left, and and and............... on and on, "he should’ve anticipated" fucking pissed off crying and unable to speak some apologies "idk what to say" talk again tomorrow called vaguely blackmail-esque already rip-roaring "see about that" holy shit holy shit please no oh my god please no absolutely not psychotic ass class "good friends" on me to decide on the streets.......... My god, dude. Get me the fuck out of this fucking shit, please, please, please, immediately, immediately, fucking immediately, can we get the fuck out of this school on the double please, holy shit, get me out, please please please. asked some people all said no a little shit talking, probably shudder at the thought talked it through sat in silence "social suicide" financial differential couple hundred extra dollars any cage match totally unfair conversation resolved ready to stick around UNTIL if ever reasonable anyway more up front? of course yes. hindsight is 20/20 halfhearted fucking pissed a different can of emotionally manipulative worms called back no more tears smiles this time clocked immediately: "oh, we’re smiling." see clearly now proud bouncing back not falling fully threatened began to reimagine really sorry stress and wasted days situation on the hook not worry cover my share until and if ever gave my word believe that. Sometimes the lesson doesn’t come easily; you have to learn it the hard way. Or the medium way, which is how I’m considering this. So I guess that’s the story. We all have to figure it out. Everybody figures it out. I’m literally just infected. With everything. All the delusions. they’re all the same. they’re not different. All my problems are not different. They are not different problems. They are all the same problem, and that problem is infection. That’s it! Thats the whole tweet! Lol.... right guys??? now that i look in the mirror, i notice certain things about myself that are not really that human. Standing up in that position you were just in. you’re standing up now, sir. act like it. And let’s get that...... .let’s get ..... Oh my god, dude. I think i literally like dissociate from myself every time i literally do like anything. Because i look in the mirror now and i'm like who the fuck is that and is that actually a real person or is that just me or is it both and what does it all mean and stuff and who am i and what do i look like and does it matter and what am i wearing and is that really me? letttt me askt aht again because thats really the most importa nt question is that really eme???????? Like is it actually.... Let me know for real please... but i think it is... and i think i now connect how i present myself with the world with how i am in my real self. And i think they're not different. I seee now that it's not different. And that actually makes me smile. Because it's like okay you look at this person and you know how fucking sensitive they are and how fucking affected by everything they are and how like honestly they're trying to live their life and their moral compass and shit and like making decisions on their own and really just like accepting it and stuff. And now when i look away from myself. Better yet when i close my eyes... i forget about the eternal observer that exists in me and remember that there are enough observers out there, observers who i should preferably be observing, prevfera ble to jujust observing myself i mean. And i'm sure observation alone is not only enough to collapse waveforms into particles but also uhhhhh fucking uhhh i forgot the seond one. Oh, observation alone is ogo.d.. A boogoogs thitng. Whehterh you’re observing yourself or observing the bteraeth or any other shit like tha? Lke bithch its all not not observing like omg observing is not not looking and its not not seeing.... Its not not listening....... Its not none of these things? It’s not nothing!!!!! That’s what nondualism is!!!! It’s NMOT NOTHING!!!! It’s NOT a negation! It’s anegation to even the mere thought of negation itself! And thats why the word itself cancels itself out and eventually collapses into nothing! And thats where it had is sits achilles heel i think. How easy it is sfor one to just say something like “Well that makes nos ense, well thatdeosnt mean anything then does it,” and the like, or better yet never even ask you about nonndualism in the first place, not being able to ever undderstnad why something like a Concept could be so interesting to someone. But im an ideas guy. Thats MY achilles hereel. Too many idesa not enough executions. Thats honestly my fcukign problem borl... loiilek as ssoon as i step my pussy uup and like get it fucking moving i think we can be good at this fucking thing.... We can get far is what im trying to say. Not theat theres a far that im NOT looking for.... Errrr eidkk. Sometimes tfu n to keep negating all the negations until your life is just one big one, and ithen its like well its not not a clean slate right now!!!!! And thats the value of nondualism that i dont know if i could explain to any of the people trying to get to know me and live around e.em. Like if i just told conceptual thought You have to negate the original negation. I’m sure we could do a lesson in english grammar about this but its like with nondualism its fine you odnt have to have all of these ts and rs dotted and crossed or whatever oor you dont knot have to have that??? Idk cuz somtiesmt its seefeels like schizophrenia is truly so close an d i think to be hoesnt with you i think i do benefit from schioprhenaia nd god bforbid it ever got to a place i couldnt really feeeeeeeele ready to accept but like..........i woiilllll be spending life trying to gear myself up for any eventuality of something that brings me closer to death, knowing that death is really the worst thing that can ever happen to you, and even that is something that’s going to happen anyway!! But i can say im happy or im not not happy or - sorry bit going on for too long but then its like when does the bit become your life and w ealready know the answer and liets ljuist moev e on. I can honestly say im proud in spite of any hiccups throughout the way like ifi i fuckied up at any point i think i have undone the fuckup in a strong enough way that no ones karma will seriously suffer as a result.... Though i know thats not true either. I know every action counts and like..... But then its like shooting down your bad karma in your curretnt one wild and wondrous life... like you keep trying to shoot it down, espeiclaly if its silly little karma that you get in this life... some silly negative karma, i mean, or whatever the nondialistcicc version of bad karma is.... Sheesh are we allowed to have any fun with nondauaulism areoufn?? And maybe thats the point. Fun is just that. And its not enlightenment. Finun is fun. Its not enlightenment. Should i keep my stubble bro why do i feel like im lowkey eating but i also know that society doesnt accept men with patchy beards which is exactly what id be growing but then again i ahven’t exactly given myself a shtototo..... couple days later