i was kinda getting anxious on the subway. i think it was some ▒▒▒▒▒ stuff, having ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ on a ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ about ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒, and then the ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ needing to be attended to... and stuff.... and the date on thursday... and of course ▒▒▒ ▒ on thursday as well... all of these things, plus just general, you know, other subtle things that perhaps it’s too hard to even name, like the mere thing of being seen on the subway, out and about in ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ of all places....

so now i’m sitting here in an empty room in the, uhhhhh... clinic. well, it’s not empty. theres’s a chair in here.

someone just walked past, and i think he said, ‘how you doing,’ and it’s hard to say if it was aimed at me.... but it likely was, because, is there anyone else around?

the chair has some stains on the arms. it looks like the chair back at camp with the discolored arms, stained from where i would constantly wipe snot on them.

so, the room isn’t actually empty. there are two paintings in here. they look like debí tirar más photos. plastic chairs. and they’re cool... but also, ehhh........ not really..... not really. it’s giving a little, uhhh....i wanna say neolib, but i know i’ve been abusing that term. not using it appropriately. i might overuse it.

god, bro, i’m in a bad mood, i’m realziing. i’m just in a bad fucking mood. i hear the sound of this woman’s loud-ass high-heeled-ass steps across the hardwood floor, and i’m like, ‘why the fuck are we walking so loud? why are we walking so goddamn loud? is there a reason? what was the reason? is there one????’

i think it’s also just like not feeling fully safe.

i don’t feel fully safe, because last time i was in this room i got kicked out. it’s that impermanence which is bringing me anxiety right now. is there a way out of this anxious state? i think the best cure for it would be to not come back to this place ever again. i don’t like this place. there are some individuals whom i like. i honestly like all or most of the individuals i work with, aside from m▒▒▒▒, because now i see her as this fake-ass bitch. she’s really fake, and i’m seeing it now, and have for a week, since she bitched me out for talking to the paitent outside of the bathroom. i think that is when she flipped on me, and i flipped on her. that’s what happens when you put two borderline-adjacent bitches in a micro-conflict.

there’s also, uhhh... yeah. ▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒. i think i could be more careful with it. i could......... do less..... i could ▒▒▒▒ less, i think.... i could really stand to ▒▒▒▒ less on that thing and get less anxiety as a result. but the ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ is fun, and it keeps me ▒▒▒▒▒▒. it keeps me coming back. it’s gotta be rewarding in some way if it keeps me coming back like that.

right now, i have this tab open, and i also have ▒▒▒ open so that i can see the schedule. i can see when the patient who is scheduled for 12:30 will arrive. the ▒▒▒▒ who always smells really good. i wonder if it’s chanel. i wonder if i will ever drop an inordinate amount of money on perfume.

something smells really good, like lunch. i didn’t eat lunch because i woke up at 10 and then it was just breakfast.

this is all so boring. i don’t really have anything to do or talk about right now, because everything is so impermanent. i don’t have the opopoertunity to really tuck into one thing or another, because i know that the patient will arrive any minute now.

but then the patient after her is ▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒, so i’ll have at least an hour to fucking sit around. i hate sitting around in this place. remember last tuesday when i was in this position, and i didn’t have a computer charger, so i was in conservation mode, scarcity mindset the whole time? i wonder....

i just wonder if i’ll get kicked out of this room again like i did last week... and if i do, where will i go? it’s hard to say. i can always... ask ▒▒▒▒..... to, uhhh.... fucking boring. not interested in this idle chatter.

instead, i can meditate right now.

i brought the height of my chair up. now it feels easier to type. i feel like i’m more settled into this seat. if someone wants to come in and kick me out of this room, then so be it, but in the meantime, i will just sit here and hear the sounds of women’s heels click-clacking. click-clack, click-clacking around and around and i might go down in slow motion.

nicki minaj—we don’t even talk about her anymore.

las night i had a dream about ▒▒▒’s brother. we were about to go on a date. i was in a room full of women, sitting next to oomf at the top of a staircase. he entered somewhat ostentatiously..... and he was being a little gregarious.... and i was sort of like, ‘uhhh, am i really going on a date with this dude?’

but that’s just him. it’s not the real dude i’m going on a date with. i’m still going on a date with him, on march 19th, of all days, the day that has itself come to me in a dream, the day when i will take my exam.

memory lane and yes, i will do some practice questions today. you don’t even have to worry about that. i might even go in and look at if there’s an answer key to the ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒ that i did those weeks ago..... lol. it’s funny. i’m like... i could probably not look at another single question between now and the test, but i will do it anyway, just because it’s the last time i’ll ever do it.... man. i never thought about that. i won’t go on amboss ever again after this week... there’s something bittersweet about it. it’s a really well-designed website. and the way they ask questions and give you that feedback when you got it right, the answer turns greeeeeeeeeeeen... i’ll miss some parts of it. it’s been fun, really. it’s been really fun...

i wonder if the anthill will ever get restructured when i’m no longer in medical school. will there be things that take over? will the medical realm start to fade away into obscurity?

right now it’s 12:31, and that means the patient is one minute late to her appointment. maybe she won’t show up at all. but i’lll, errrrrmm.... i’ll let dr. ▒▒▒▒ know of my presence, but for now i’m sort of in the mindset of.... better to not be seen nor heard until it’s really time to do one or both of those things.....

is ▒▒ group going to be at 2pm tomorrow? i’ll go down there and ask about it. i’ll ask the desk ladies if it’s at 2pm tomorrow. i should think it would be, right? it ought to be at the same time, oughtn’t it?

tomorrow, it’s not a good idea for me to spend any more time here than is required. the rest of the time in the day, i can spend in a library or something. i’ll simply go to a library. i can surely find one around these parts. surely there’s a ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒ library in ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒.

i wish it were not so fucking cold outside still. it’s still cold!!! can you believe that? it’s still fucking winter. it’s still freezing out. but the sun is out today, and the sun does admittedly feel really good, but it’s still not quite what i’m looking for. maybe april will bring the real springtime, and it’ll just be nice and fine and good, and i won’t have any more cares in the world... but i will still have the cares of needing to wake up every day and get my ass to, uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, to ▒▒▒. i’ll still have to do that, and i know c▒▒▒ said she’s enjoying it, and it’s actually good, and r▒▒▒▒ g▒▒▒▒ herself said that people tend to really lke it, and i’m sure that’ll be the case, i’m sure i’ll enjoy it in my own way, and it’ll be nice because i at least will be in the comforting embrace of my own classmates, that’ll be nice and well and good, and it’ll be better than coming somewhere like here where there is patient care happening and where people know not what they do and we are erring and we are taking precious moments from precious lives and stuff.... man.

yeah, i really don’t like psychiatry, brother. it’s like... i really don’t like it. if anything, most people just like having somewhere to go, but when they come here, they get beamed up with magnets or ketamine, and it’s like.... eh. it’s in this environment of a newly renovated floor in the middle of one of the most famous places in ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒. ▒▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒! everybody knows it. ▒▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒, everybody knows that as well...... and it’s like.... huh. what a waste it all is.... what a waste?!!!!

i saw, this morning, a little recommended video on spotify... by the way, fuck spotify for tyring to make us watch ridiculous bullshit on an app that’s supposed to be for music. i hate the clippification of the world....... fuck, dude.

anyway, i saw a video that was like, ‘i predicted 2008, and now i’m predicting that soon it’ll be more valuable to society to be a plumber than a lawyer,’ and i agree. i agree that it’s going to be a good idea to learn a trade. do i need to go to fucking trade school and learn how to, like.... use a wrench??? should i go to farm school and learn how to farm?

i’m in the lounge with barndoors. he said he started playing trumpet and switched to bari sax..... and, uhhh, someone’s coming...... it sounds like..... i think it was the same man who said ‘how you doing’.... and now he’s gone..... he walked right past..... man...... this is such a strange place..... all these people in this contrived setting, you know?