and if it gets too late, for me to wait, for you, to find you love me, and tell me so….. it’s okay.......... don’t need to say it....... IMPLIED PARENTHETICAL I KNOW...... I'llll KNOW........

the thing we’ve learned at this point in our lives is that the truth is going to come out of you one way or another.

i’ve been wrong many times over the course of this life, and i will continue to be wrong forever. it’s a fine way to be, i should think.

and if it gets too late for me to wait for you to find you love me and tell me so, it’s okay, don’t need to say it.

that song is so fucking dark-sided and evil in such a sad tender emotionally depraved way. it’s so fucked up how good and sweet and sad and devastating and beautiful it is.

i don’t feel emotionally supported by my parents. i don’t think that’s what they’re here for in my life. i don’t think that’s ever really been their role. i have some real resentment toward both of them.

i also have all kinds of love for them. but the dramatics that they have, the psychodramas that they have, i find it way more peaceful to not engage with it at all. i have my own life now, my own life that is my own, and it’s better.

my dad doesn’t seem to care about shit. he’s going to be working that fuckass job til the day he dies. he says he wants to get out of it, but i don’t believe him anymore.

i don’t allow myself to get attached to any of this shit. what sad lives they must be living down there. i can’t imagine the depths. it honestly scares me to the point of paralysis. i’m not willing to engage with it. and nobody in my own life is going to check me on that.

i don’t know where i stand with any of my family, to be honest with you. i feel estranged, like the black sheep. and the modernity doesn’t help. it just hurts. like h▒▒▒▒ trying to make some joke about how we almost nuked iran, and nobody saying anything back. it’s all so wickedly vile and perverse that i would much rather not even engage with it.

it’s somewhat unlike me to not have responded to their texts today.

i feel some kind of albuminocytologic dissociation. my proteins are not the same as my cells right now. does that makes sense? my affect is not matching my mood. it’s not the same.... the circumstances are not matching how i feel about them inside.

med school ending feels more like a funeral than a celebration. it’s going to be a celebration in the same way that people try to force funerals to feel like celebrations.

huh. the thing is right now. this right now and right here is all we have, so let me go brush my teeth and meditate on it. the present moment, that is.