uhhhhh it’s kinda funny right now because what the hell am i doing? nothing lol. there’s nothing going on. i got nothing going on at the moment. there’s nothing here for me to do. i almost wonder if i can just send myself home. i suppose i can’t do that. but it sure would be nice to go somewhere less cold. this room is so cold. i gotta get out of this room, but there’s nowhere else for me to go. i’m not sure if i have any other options. might just have to grin and bear it, which i suppose isn’t too bad. i’m already kind of used to the chilliness. it’ll just take a few full-body chills every now and then. that’s what i’ll do every couple minutes, and then my body will be okay.

but no, this kind of chronic coldness is not exactly ideal, is it? i’d much rather go somewhere else and just wait to be called in. is that an option? i guess it is, but hm…… hm indeed. i’ll keep thinking about it.

the problem is sitting. sitting is the problem. i don’t want to be sitting, but there isn’t really a way for me to be standing at the moment without looking like a weirdo.

on the bright side, it’s already noon which means we’re just about halfway through the day. but i really don’t feel like i’m even doing anything here. there is no independence on this rotation except the independence afforded by the downtime. i’m not encouraged or able to go see patients on my own. not reallllyyyyy not really really really. not really. i’m able to sit around for long stretches of time, though, which is its own kind of luxury.

i’m also so fucking tired, bruh. i’m realllyyy really tired right now. i dont know why. i guess it’s because of that pina colada i had last night with the residents? i guess so. but damn, c'mon now, i can’t even have a drink anymore without being tired the next day? i guess that’s fine. i guess it’s a good thing.

there’s nothing like the days when i wake up after a sober night, though. like yesterday, waking up and feeling so amazingly good and great. that felt nice. it always feels good to feel good, and that’s something i take for granted sometimes, maybe.

i think dry skin season may be upon us. i see a little splotchy redness on my left hand.

i’m going to put my headphones on and let it all go. inspired by a woman coming in to print something wearing airpods.

closing my eyes and allowing the meditation to kick in like a pepto bismol hitting the acid of my stomach and making everything feel like it’s reached a head. i like those moments. where things just fall into place for a moment, if only for a moment. it’s about the sustaining, though, i think. we can sustain this. we don’t have to worry about what comes next. we don't have to worry about a thing, a goddamn thing, not at all.

new people just came into this room. it’s h---- and the med student. describing a patient's appearance as 'wearing the hospital gown,' posture as 'slouched in the bed,' behavior 'pretty much no eye contact the entire interview, respecting personal boundaries' ... oh my god, dude, this shit is so boring to me. i’m so fucking over it. done and dusted. leave it alone. i’m finished. please leave me out of this. i want to be somewhere else. maybe that’s my cue to head down to the conference room for noon conference and free food. we can eat. we can eat.

they just asked her what was mood versus affect. such an elementary question. or maybe secondary school. not hard, but it takes a little knowledge to understand the difference.

time to eat.