death is real
Crawling away, it was an ant. It was misssing its caboose segment——that third and final one which would have made it an insect.
It had all six legs, though. Its two back legs looked as if dipped in yellow, dangling inanimatedly as its four front legs carried it forward.
It walked away from the building, in the direction of the pool.
It climbed on top of a rug on the pavement, and started inspecting each of the individual hundreds of millions of tiny holes in the rug.
It inserted its antennae into each hole, feeling around inside.
After inspecting a dozen or so holes, the ant seemed to have a grand mal seizure.
It seized for a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity.
inter-vention
I offered the ant a leaf to grasp, not sure if or how I ought to intervene.
It did not grasp.
I scooped it up onto the leaf, where it seized again, curled up into a ball, and seemingly died.
11 PM
The ant was not dead.
I had placed the leaf on the ground and gone back to what I was doing before.
After a few minutes, unable to stop thinking about the ant, I checked on it and found that it was no longer inside the safe, convoluted recesses of the dried-up leaf.
I found it walking toward the pool. I followed it.
A hose blocked its path. I lifted the hose, and the ant kept walking.
It reached the edge of the pool and slipped into the water.
I used one of those swirly seeds that falls from the sky to scoop it out and deposit it back on the pavement.
It walked back to the pool a second time and let itself fall back in.
I scooped it out again.
It walked to the very edge of the pool, millimeters away from the inflection point where gravity would take over and pull it all the way in.
In the first of those moments of suspended animation, I looked up and found the sun hitting the trees in the most glorious and vibrant way imaginable. I felt grateful that the ant was there to experience that moment with me, although it was seemingly insistent on fucking suiciding.
I rescued the ant no less than four times, and it went back into the pool of its own accord no less than four times. I was not able to give up on it, even when it seemed like it was only going to keep insisting on swan diving into certain death.
Each time, I let it swim for a while, but each time, I eventually scooped it out. I kept rescuing it even when my directing mind protested, "Huh, what are we even doinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngg...," even when it felt like a fool’s errand, even when it felt ridiculous, even when it felt like I should give it up.
I realized how deeply I believe in life continuing, how averse I am to suicide, and how much I am still programmed to save lives. Medicine did a number on me.
# life continuing
Ultimately, the ant gave up its diving routine and sat by the pool, apparently out of energy.
It was strange how it convulsed....
Where did it come from? Where was its colony? Had they shunned it for..... for missing its caboose?
I imagine it’s dead now.
The last time I checked, the ant was curled up in a seeeming death-ball next to the pool.
I imagine it’s dead now....
I’ll look for it in the morning, but I suspect it’ll have been snatched up, or blown away by some rogue gust.....
"Death will come if you are only patient," said god. "There are still things to do in the meantime, so do not kill yourself."
