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history

You and me have got a whole lot of it. Of history. We’ve got a lot of history, you and me. We started out here living on ███ ██████████ streeeet near broadway in ██████ ████. We lived there for a total of one year, or I guessss nine months, something like that. August through may, that’s when we lived there. And then after that, we moved one block south and we lived on ███ ███████████ street near broadway. We lived there, one guy killed himself two floors above me, his name was ████ ██, I found out when I found out, there was a place to get Asian fusion noodles near the apartment... I hear thunder. Do you hear it? I hear it, still. It is still ringing out across the land. The thunder is still ringing out across the land. Thunder, still ringing out, and it dovetails into the sound of aircraft. The next year I lived in the... I moved back up a block, and I lived in ████████ █████████ ████, which was close to broadway but not quite on it. It was more like across the street from ███████ ████. Did I mention that the second year I lived in ██████? Anyway, yeah, that was junior year. But you know that junior year in the spring saw coronavirus. This was my first year feeling like I had hit my stride. In the fall, I got an A-plus in organic chemistry, and I had this crush who seemed to like me back, I was doing shit. I was straight up DOING shit. Threw a Christmas party in my studio single.... Main thing is I feel like I was hitting my college stride, and then the rug was pulled with the pandemic, and since that year, nothing has been the same. At all. Seriously. Nothing at all has been the same. The stride turned into a throwing of my body into the air——and I learned to fly, or some gay shit like that. Because in the fall, when it was time to go back to school after getting evacuated from this beautiful city, after having spent a couple weeks at home and the next few months depressed as fuck in ███████ ███████.... ███████ ███████ BRUH like it could’ve been much worse obviously and my privilege was insurmountable, but I had that depression, bro, I had that depression as a young person living with their parents in the face of a global catastrophe. I never got sick until the following year. nyc Anyway, that fall I went into my senior year of college, year four in new york city, except that it wasn’t in new york city, it was in ███████. Me and ██████ moved into an apartment in ███████ for the fall semester and had the time of our lives. It was so fun. We had a lot of fun——that’s just what we did. Then in the spring of that year, we.... I just remembered I had a dream last night about █████ ████████. Anyway, in the spring of our senior year, I moved back to campus, and I lived in ██████████ ████ in a big room that was meant for two people. I lived there on █████████ █████ and dare I say ███ ██████████ street once again? But not the same feeling at all as being in ██████ or █████████... but I think it was ███, or maybe it was ███. Anyway, that is where I lived for the spring semester, hooking up with ███████████ █████ for a hot little second, a baby of a second, right there at the end. And that was the last year. But never fear, for the journey continued after that, and we launched into year five living in ██████████ ████████. Me and ██████ once again, we lived in ██████████ ████████ and had a great itme dogsitting and all the rest, just being cool little ████████ undergraduate degree holders, bachelors of arts, so to speak, in ████████, new york, before all the massive gentrification happened in that neighborhoood. And now new york is unrecognizable to me. Sure, we have our socialist muslim mayor, and that’s epic, but it’s not the same as it was in ████. synch Anyway, the following year, I started med school. So I moved to ██████████ ███████ for year six. Year six saw me in ██████████ ███████, and that is the truth..... and I lived on ███ ███████ █████ and ████ ██████████ avenue, first relationship was going on at the time, living with two girls I had never met before but who ███ █████ had put me onto.... a nice synchronicity moment to lead me into school and show me that the whole thing wold not be a wash. I would meet certain friends there for a reason. I lived there for the fisrst year and a half, and then I went to ███████████ and spent a full year outside of the city. The following year, after ███████████ was over, I moved in with █████ while I studied for and eventually took step 1. And THEN, going into year........ nine? Going into year nine, which we are now.... not in anymore........ going into year nine, I agreed to live with █████ and ███ and eventually quickly realized ███ ███████████ ███ ██ ███████ █████ ██ ██ ██ ███ ████████ ██ ███. Didn’t work, was never going to, only thing left to do would be getting the fuck out. And then I ended up at this place in ███ █████, the most expensive place I’ve ever lived, three thousand one hundred dollars net effective rent per month, because they gave me one month free, but the true rent price that █████ has been paying once a month has been thirty four hundred dollars, which, I know, I know how it sounds, pricey, especially considering how often I ran away to ██ ███████ █████. I would retreat ███████ or to ████████ or some other place...... not new york, anything but new york... "new york or nowhere," and wanting to choose nowhere quite desperately. It’s new york or nowhere, and I have chosen nowhere. I have chosen nowhere. I would rather be nowhere than new york.... nowhere, nowhere, nowhere, nowhere , nowhere, that’s where I’m going, that’s where I’m going. All the negative spaces in med school were filled with nowhere, anyway. I was always moving toward nowhere. Now, at this point in my life, what is it? Nine years on and off in new york, and now is the time to get out. I’ll come back someday when there’s something for me to do here, some way for me to contribute. fin So then you come to new york and you just sorta do nothing, you know? That’s the plan for today, anyway. The plan for today is seemingly to do nothing. Seemingly, what we’re going to do is do nothing. Is that all right? Is that okay with you? Would you be so worried, concerend, upset, etc. with me if I were to do this? To do things this way? Do things this way, where I am existing and writing rather than going out and experiencing something in the world? I just feel that there is nothing for me to offer, nothing to do, and the rain comes down as if I needed another reason to choose to stay inside today. As if I needed another reason, as if I needed another reason, as if I needed or was looking for another reason. As if, as if, as if.... as if.... as if I needed or was looking for another reason, as if I neeeded or wanted or was looooooooooking for another reason, as if I needed, wanted, looked for another reason, as if there was any other reason that I was looking for, but the truth is there wasn’t.... I could have been quite content to accept that I don’t want to do anything. There is still plenty I want to do. I still feeel the appeal of writing, at least... I still feel the smells in me. I feel how bad I smell. Let’s shower.

I don't want

I can’t think of it. I want to go home and see the leaves change. That’s all I can think of right now. So let’s do that. Let’s go home and see the leaves change. Let’s go home and see the leaves change. But there is the matter of this couch, isn’t there. Isn't there that matter of the couch? Isn’t there the matter of the couch? Nothing hurts. ooooooof, this idea of slowing down. We can slow it down. I don’t have any illusions about new york and my role in it. I feel that my role has totally closed. There is nothing left for me. I came (transplant), I saw (experienced horrors), I conquered (gentrified; extracted information from people who are paid shit tons of money to instruct spoiled kids who want to be doctors, scientists, etc.....). It's over. There is a world where I update my neocities today. I wonder if there’s anything there in the archives that would be worth sharing with the people. Do you think so? I could take one day in the life and post it. That's something I could foreseeably do. Because remember that one that I posted from that one day last year? Dunsinane dot html... who remembers it? dunsinane dot html I’m sure there’s SOMETHING. Let's just see. I’ll finish this meager breakfast first. I have these ingredients: granola and peanut butter and honey. And that’s breakfast today. And it’s going to take me far. Far enough to work on neocities. Far enough to be a neocitizen.

huh.

Struggling to see the point today, the point behind any of it. Like what are we here to do? well, All the people outside are going about their days as normal. This one lady wearing scrubs was almost lethargic walking down the street. We are getting exhausted. We are getting used up. We’re all none the wiser. Here we are, plebeians, walking the streeets while it intermittently rains, not much sun today, but I took it in when I had the chance. I stood therererere in the streeeeeeeeet and took in the sun. I rolled up my t-shirt sleeves to maximize my absorption. But now I’m just here in the same old apartment, sittting and lying on this couch for the last time. This is the last time I’ll feel this. I feel a slight breeze coming in through the open window to my back, and the breeze reminds me of the eternal changingness. So does the etching in the path through the woods earlier, the one that said “nothing lasts forever.” impermanence all the time, all around me. yeah a single, stabbing pain Nothing lasts forever, not even ████ ████████, not even anything. Not this apartment, not my time in new york, not the friendships here, none of it. None of it will last forever. get all my shit consolidated. Maybe put in a few loads of laundry. Go through all my clothes, decide which ones will stay and which will go. I’m inclined to get rid of all the shit I have here. I clearly don’t need it. Except the underwear. The underwear,,,,, iiiiiiiiiii could really use. But today is one of those days when I’m uncertain. I’m having an uncertainty day. And I suppose those ought to be celebrated, for they are the most realistic. If I were certain about things, that would be unrealistic. Not right. It would not be right. But there I was, standing in █████ park, standing around as if a tree. Planted in one place, doing nothing, no potential for digital sitmulation, no book, no nothing but pure awareness. No drugs in the system, not even caffeine, not even weed, nothing. No drugs, no nothing. Nothing at all, nothing to it, you know, nothing at alllllll to it. Nothing, simply nothing, to it. There is nothing to it. Nothing to it at all, nothing to it, in the slightest, nothing, nothing, nothing to it, there is nothing to it. There is nothing to it. to it There are plenty of people I’ve left hanging. Plenty of people. Two business cards. doors close, resentment builds, memories fade, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, aloneeeee,a lone,a lone, alone, alone,a lone, alone, alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone aloooooooone alonge alone alone alone alone alone alone alonea lone alone alone alone alone alone alone alonen alone alone alone allone and alone and alone and alone and alone and alone and alone and aloneand alone and aloneand alone and alone and alone and alone and alonae and alone and alone and alone and alone and alone. merciful, light shines down every day like the day before, every day a new start, all alone I think they will have left their mark on me, all these days spent alone. I feel no sense of creativity. I have no inspiration. I have tendencies that were passed down and reaffirmed and conditioned andddddddddd ddddd encoded into my very organism’s very dna. I have tendencies which may not serve me. I have tendencies which may not serve me. Something that did serve me today was getting out of the apartment, going for a walk. That did serve me. always does I have been denied for a position as a ██████ ████████. I’m not wanted for the job. And now I’m free again. I’m at zero, as usual. zero My life is a behavioral sink. Public schooool, private school, school school school, relationships with other american citizens, all of it sanctioned under the law, all this freedom at my disposal, all this freedom, what to do with it? Nothing to do . not really freeeedom, not quite freedom... freedom would mean freedom from the american colonial situation. Freedom from the very country under whose rule I am said to be free. Freedom from the land of the free home of the brave. Immigration? Emigration? Refugeeeeing? Seeking asylum in some other nation ? an asyyyylum seeeeker from the usa, an asylum seeker to seek asylum from this greatest country on earth. To seek asylum from a country which is bringing me down. Do I feel like taking a nap? It sure does seem like it. It sure does seem like it, but I slept so long last night. Well. I’m not in the business of denying myself anything. So.....

pay your way in pain

I’m not fully sure what she means by that... but right now I feel that it means something along the lines of.... you gotta be in pain, you gotta be in pain in order to pay your way. You gotta pay your way in pain. I’m inclined to believe her. Look how masterfully I am procrastinating right now. There is plenty of stuff I could be doing, little things, little things, little things I could start throwing away or otherwise getting rid of, but I have no interest in it.... I would rather dance.

killing time

I don’t know why, but that’s what we call it! I don’t know why we call it killing time... just kidding, I do. I can feel how it feels to kill it. I remember how it feels to look time in the face, forget everything you know about life and how it wants to express itself, and kill it. I feel quite down at the moment. I come back to new york when I want to be depressed. I come back to new york when I want to be depressed and alone. And know not what I do. And feel overwhelmed by the social world. Remember that night I tried to go to 3 dollar bill and it just straight up didn't work, I couldn’t bring myself to do it? I couldn’t even stand in line. science and art and scienece and art and science and art and science and sssscience and art and science and art and science and art and science and art and science and art and science and science and art and science and science and art and science and ssssicience and science and art and science and ssscience and art and science ndand art nad science When the fuck does psycduducuck evolve? 33

Pierre

I feel so unstable fucking hate this people. I love the French-candanddiennne nesss of it all like yas bitch..... "Don’t search me in here I’m already gone baby"...... this is so .................... this is so like....was this translated from French to English cuz this feels basically French to me.............. like this is literallylyly francais ddudee... this song is literally francais, which is insane cuz I was just...fucking.... ummmmm.... huh. Change is gonna come, butw whne whn ehwenh? Right now, Mitski. I’m loving life still, thank god.... thank god, I’m still loving life. Je reste loving life. loving life and living life, in that order.

julie said

She said something, I forgot what. What did Julie say? Love one another. But before that, she said go outside and smell the flowers. Julie chen-mooonves told me to go outside, so then I go outside........ I get that rush of feeling insecure and odd ........ in new ways, and it feels nice, and I prove to myself that, in a familiar place, there are still things to do that are out of the ordinary. There are still things to do, even in this place that has nearly run its course on me, this place from which I will disappear without a trace, leaving no impression behind, none at all. To have existed in this place as a ghost, materializing in and out of this place at will, the whole time, exiting here but not truly BEING here....

Predreams baby

If you leave me you would only ..... take from me.... baby baby baby please don’t leave me leave me leave me you are all allll onalyalyal i ever neeed neeeed neeed neeed.d... What the hell am I doing with my life dude what am I actually doing I have no sense of commnninity no bitches just family and friends and colleagues and what a fine position to be in but I don’t have what I want from life right now I need more community I need to be more accountable to the people around me I want to feeeel satisfied with my contribution to the world I want to contribute more than two-dimensional bullshit i want to be out there in the field i want to bbbbbeeeee with boooots on the ground I want to be up in that shit dude the clock says one two three four reminding me to get back to basics sometimes babe So yeah an unfulfilling kind of life being lived here in the city if i'm being really honest If i'm letting myself be really honest I would say this city life doesn’t suit me in the slightest I have nothing I want to do here but get out tbh like get outta the city and not look back They say you wanna run toward something but what am I running toward What actually am I running toward you guys, seriously, what? I can’t quite tell what the intention really is.......... but that phone does have to like.... come offffff vibrate. Do not disturb hello. Like god bblesssssss ██ ██████ for texting me but I wanna enter the sleep-slash-focus zone-slash-mode And i'm not interested in the phone I don’t want it and I reject it and there really must be another way There's gotta be a way to have a community around you, to feel like you’re part of the crew, but what crew can it even be when you are not wanting to participate in the structures of society? Do I become a recluse, do I give up on it all, completely, altogether, and I only speak when spoken to, I don’t get a job, I live out the rest of my days, I keep going, I keep on pushing forward, I press on, I never fear, I just sssstay strong, not afraid of anything, I just keeeep going as I have been doing, I can keep going, I can keep going? What I neeed is not to retreat further into the internet but to find something out in the real world. That’s right: I said real world. I want to be out in the field I want to be doing stufff Idk I have these romantic ideals about how things can work like vigilante justice can be applied to everything why is ███ █████ ███████ the place dreams go to die for real like what’s going on up there and why have I felt compelled to go back? Is it really just the nature? Cuz bitch there’s nature everywhere and it would be much easier to avoid accounnnntability and start over somewhere new like it’s sorta giving you should just go somewhere else and start over completely brand new find some other community find a new city like ███ suggested all this anxiety, by the way, is artificial. it does refect things related to belonging and there would be a stronger sense of group cohesion if I were gainfully employed. everyone else’s lives revolve around MONEY and making money Money and making money. the modern obsession so where are you getting your money how much of your money is truly your own how much of your money do you feel is borrowed or exploited or not rightfully yours? How much of your money that you use to buy things do you feel is rightfully yours? Where did it come from? Where did the money come from that got you where you are today? Where did you get all the money necessary to do the things that you do now? These questions are taboo but crucial for gaining a real understanding of one another and how the economy and human society actually works If you follow the money you can really understand a great deal more about a person than you can otherwise understand, even after years and years of knowing them I just want someone to believe in me and sometimes I think ██████ believes in me tomorrow might be the last day in this place god willing lol like for real get me out of here I don’t need to be here any longer I’m ready to get out so please... let me out thankssss!!!!!! I’ll get out as soon as we can..... but for now.... Too much screen time by far dude i really fell into the trap quite readily And yes I did take Julie Chen’s advice and I did go outside this evening and had a whole experience The most memorable bits of the day were of course the moments spent outside yeah uninspiring writing today I’m not inspired by the concept of anything I’ve written today but it’s all good, don’t worry be happy goo i know I’m sounding a little crazier lately but just lemmme cook and trust the process I’m still becoming... this is still my goo era but don't worry I’ll spread my wings and everyone will be like ohhhhhhh!!!!!!! Someday.... someday just trust me I got this I can do it I believe in me regardless of anything so I want you to believe in me too, just trust me just lemme cook I know what I’m doing I just want friends along the way so yeah ... don’t worry about me I got this i can do it!!!!! Believe!!!! Love youuu babesssss xxx great job rocking in the freeee will world.