卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌卌 卌卌卌||||

still flying

I am fly from ..... errrr.... I am far FROM a flying-TYPE. I am a psychic-type I’m a grass-type. I’m a psychiiiiic/grass-type, bitch. I’m, uhhh.... who’s the psychic/grass-type.... who’s that one.... I’m toooooo sleeep-deprived to know the grass/psychic-type. But it’s funny, isn’t it, that that would mean I’m four times weak to bug? But I’m not. I’mmmmm.... not weak to bug... unless I am. Maybe I am, and maybe this obsession that I’ve picked up with bugs and the bug world is like... maybe it’s somehow, you know, a weakness. maybe bugs really are my weakness. It’s not shaymin, shaymin is just grass-type. Who’s the grass/psychic-type? Oh, it’s Celebi. That’s what I was thinking of. It’s celeleleeeleeebi. It’s Celebi, i’m Celebi... but I’ve never really put much thought into Celebi before.... Celebi, huh, celebi.. it’s like a forest nymph, and it’s psychic-type. That shit is awesome. I might also identify with like... I might alsososooo identify as a bug/psychic-type. shit fuck it I’m bug grasss and psychic. And bug/grass is real like hey that one is actually pretty awesome like there’s a reason why I love leavanny and the whole line... sewaddle like that shit using bug bite and then eventually x scissor like I love that line. Bug and grasss. x-scissor But it doesn’t have to be about me. But maybe it is about me. It’s myyyy stream of consciousness, after all. Why are you even here? you shouldn’t be here. you’re intruding. I never said you were supposed to read this. I never really wanted you to read this. I never wanted anyone to make it thiiiiis far. I never wanted this one to get found. If you found this then you’re a cheeky little devil aren’t you. What business do you have in here anyway. There’s no reason to be in here. I’m just talking about pokemon. And that’s the funnn thing about it is that like all these corridors with their halls and wallsllslslss,,,, all of them, you know, all of them, they are endless, and within them is like fractals... it’s fractaliscc... I want the scope to be massive so that it’s truly overwhelming. I want you to be overwhelmed by pure scope. The scope of it all should be too big for you to comprehend. If you’re having a sort of incopmprehehehehehehnnnsible feeling then I’m doing my job properly, well and good. I’m doing my job properly if you’re like.. I wonder how many people on this flight are on ambien... i wanonondner how many people have benzos in their systems right now. i’m not going to get lost in theory. I want there to be serious praxis. I’m not interested in traveling to all these places, for real. going to conferences... I wonder what the pilots are doing right now. I wonder if they’re talking. I wonder if they ever think about... like what topics to bring up.. Sometimes I feel like people don’t find life as precious as I do, but I find it quite precious and I’m really affected by things. I get affected by things. I’m really easy to affect. It’s easy to affect me I’m very porous I’m a sponge nottt a brick my mom told me that advice when I was in elementary school to be a sponge not a brick and I’ve held onto it my mom has that wisdom in her so i keeeep listening to it she’s a good lad she’s a good lad isn't she like I do love my mom as much as I think she has flaws and as much as I’m like yeah you got some shit we all got shit to work on don’t we and the family is sort of very extremely dysfunctional isn’t it but it actually is functional isn’t it at the end of the day isn’t it functional? I wonder toooo what it’s like at home right now. the truth is I’m not interested in Europe anymore. I have no interest in it. I shake my head as I type this as if to just like reaffirm it... i feel a swell of stress hormone in my chest as I think even about the concept of britain and going.. my eyes squint at the presupposition... I’m not going to take you back there my friend don’t worry. We’re not going back to Europe anytime soon... fuck the ladydy on the tram and the whole getting fined thing I honestly don’t give a fuck and my dream last night about losing control of my car on the slippery ice of the schoool parking lot reminds me that there is a realllllllllllll risk of actually losing control and having real morbid consequences and this thing on the tram was a nothingburger... the main upsetting thing from all that was the extremelyyyy subtle things of it all...the feelings of spite for reasons I couldn’t fully artifulculate... and stuff.... like what.... i don't know, man. It would take a lot... and i'd rather not use that energy I’m not going to do it not going to expend the energy. I’m just going to keep on burrowing burrowing deeper and deeper into my consciousness...... American.....i love America I love America I honestly love America I love the counterculture that it produces I love what it does I love what it makes I love that it’s suuuuch a mess I love that it’s going to fall soon it’s an empire that’s going to fall.... and it would be refreshing...

holy shit

what am I looking at right now. Is that a cloud or what the fuck is that.... it’s Greenland oh my god I think I’m looking upon Greenland right now that is insane to me.... I’m looking at greenaldnd and look at it it’s like... wow I’ve never seen that before hloly shit what iiiiis this dude it’s like soooo pure milky white and there’s some sections of like.... is that just the coast, is that just where uhhh.... hold on my music stopped. But wait I’m not mad at it really... but I’m gonna turn it back on to be fair. One sec. I give up is the first song that started playing in thisss new suhffuuffle. This song is so true. I do give up. I was just thinking about the roman empire and how like if aurelius were on record as having said he loves rome and he knows it’s going to fall, that feels refreshing. It feels refreshing to have that sense of pride for the place where one lives and it feels refreshing also tooooo have multiple truths held at once..... it’s so dialectitic.... and thank god dude that I remembered dialectics in this moment here because otherwise like.... shit man I think I was letting it get to me though. I was clearly letting it get to me, that talk of settlers and implications of feeling more at home in Europe and why wouldn’t i... why would I go back, and a lot of ex-patriots go to Europe and live meaningful lives and ... I’m not going to do that shit bro. I love america. I get it now slayyyter and I’m sorry for scorning you and not beleieiving you and finding that despicable. It’s like... i do love America innnnnnn practice I do love America and it shows. Like I do actually love it and I love the people on it. I hate like... the things I hate about it, of course I hate the things I hate about it, but you know... I also love it, and that is dialectic, and that is great. iiii think you’re always onto something when you’re recognizing dialectics in your life. i think I’m onto something here. I’m holding two cccconflciting truths to reveal a secret hidden third truth which is that.... i'm a complex American citizen. And yes there is that thing about how even discussing countriesssssssss at this level to this extent is colonial and theeee presupposition of countries and nationhood and all that stuff and borders especially borders is colonial andddd is part of what allows it to keep going. And then it’s like... that question iiii was going to ask that dude I was going to ask him like what do you think is the role of writing in thississs period when there are tens of thousandspeopoele getting killed in palestine like for real what is the role of writing honestly is there a role for it? i think one realiziation I had today was to be confident, ant. You gotta be confident you gotta be confident as soon as you become self-conscious others get permission to beeee conscious of you as well and so you gotta just be...... oh wow... I’m just looking upon a lot of beauty right now. I look down at the ocean I think it’s the ocean anyway and it's just like lots of little things of snow, little dots of snow and little uhhh currents like winsdswept bits of snow... but is that the ocean or is that somehow land ? it looks blue but then its also like... Man it’s cool to live in a world. It’s cool to live in a world and it’s cool also to know that I don’t need to see all of it. I really don’t need to see it i don’t need to see it...... I don’t need to be francciiissss ferdinand. I don’t need to be... err no that’s not who I mean. .i don’t need to be ferdinand meagellan. I don't need to be magellan I don’t nneeed to be columbus I don’t need to be any circumnaivogator. I don’t need to do it. It’s colonial. supercolony I don't know how to help you or whether it’s even up to me. I don’t think it’s up to me. I don’t think it'ssss upp to me... I don’t’ think I’m going to do it. i don’t think so. I don’t think I can do it iiii don’t’ think anyone can do it. No one can do your own spiritual development for you. No one can do praxis for you. No one can listen for you. No one can do anything for you. No one can do anything for you not any of it not any of it we can’t do any of it for you we can’t do any of it for you I can’t do anything for you you have to do it yourself I’m serious you have to do this shit your damn self baby you have to do it yourself, and for my part I have to do my own shit my damn self as well, and i think it’s the best thing to have a stable place... to have a stable place. Humans are like nomadic yes but they also lived in communities didn’t they... but i guess we don’t really know, and I guess the new human being might do things that no human has ever done before. And I’m not going to give up the internet anytime soon so that’s right there right away one thing thatttt uhhhmmmmm.... other older humans never had. They never had the internet they never did any anthillification they never had annnny neociites... There was an advertisement on the plane where it was some president who was talking about tehchnological advancement and he said we don’t know much about the future other than it’s going to be fantastic. and he said there will come a time in the future when we are all connnected and the world will collapse into a single point. And that resonated with me because like at this point there’s honestly no reason for such hypertourism. There’s no reason for tourism anymore. You can see and learn everything you need to see and learn about a place to really like understand it ... online. And you might even get a better sense of a place through reading about it online. We all have things in common with one another. We are alll one, you know, thing. We are alll one thing one thing we are all one thing oneeee humanity and when you read something from a russsian author from the aieieiieghteen hundreds and relate to it so heavily that’s when you can start to be like oh okay huh so like yeah I do actually uhhh have some shit in common with this dude and what does that say i think it says a lot I think it might say the whole thing. And that’s why I think there is transcendence to be found in writing. And I look out at greenland iiiii seeeee in this massive expanse in between bits of land, I seeeeeeeeee what could looook like a man’s warped face with very rudimentttttall featuresssssssss like two littleeeeeee eyes the left eyeee bigger than the right and a little smirk thattttt looks like his face got fucked up somehow, and then some spots elessewhere on his face perhaps to represent freckles, cetaintly one to represent his auditory canal... I look out at this forced perspective man... right, that’s forced perspective? I look out at him and I think that ummm... I look out at him and I think that the point of writing is simply to allow for transcendence in the read.er..r... for the reader to enter a sort of flow state, wouldn’t you say? Isn’t that the whole point of life, and the point of life would bee also the point of writing? Beyond the point beingnnnnnnn the poiiiiiiiint of course. I’m speaking of that additional point that you might find in addition to the point being the point. Seems like there’s always one or two or moreeee other points beyond the point being the point. Or maybe it all does collapse into just one point, maybe we can say it’s all just one point. Mabybe it’s just all one big point, and that’s the same point as it ever was, and it’s the point that it’s the point... right? Maybe? Maybe.... maybe. I’m not sure though. It’s hard to say there’s not really any way to say, is there. The point can be the point... the piioinint can be the point. The point is the point, the point can always s be the point, the point can always be the point... yeah! But now I see a bunny or a lamb with a hugeeeeee sparkling eye in a little mountain on greeeenland. And isn't that sweet. And isn’t the natural world the main thing? Isn’t the natural world theeeeeeeee point, or a point in itself? the natural world.. we live in a world, we live in a World w,we live in a world. I don’t need to see all of it to see all of it, you know? All of it is collapsed into a single point, and that point is whereever I am, wherever I am, wherever I am. Whereever I am, that is where the point is....... wherever I am is ehweret eh poiont it.s.s It’s fine to be sort of you know uhh self-centered in this regard it’s like getting to know the tools you’re using the nest that you’re inhabiting the nest you’ve built up for yourself the consicosuness that you’ve occupied this whole time it’s nice to really get to know its isisiis.... know its ins and outs like this wouldn’t you say? Even if I can’t quite tell what benefit it has for me... I know that the point will remain the point and that’s enough to get me to keep writing. It's enough to get me to keep writing to know that the point is the point. I think it could be time for a radical shift in mylife, to enter a sort of monsastic existence in my own life. To set my own curriculum. To offer and allow for no further distractions. No more extractions no more yuppy bullshit i'm not going to any parades or anything like that I’m not going to engage in the world in any capacity that i think is going to bbe perverted by capitalism or any some such nonsense. It’s going to be more about going to people’s houses I think and meeting up at the library and discussing things of actual significance . don’t you think? And I look at this mountain that has a rather haunting face, almost like that mountain character in moana mixed with theeee spirit from spirited away , it’s this pyramidlike mountain with a face looking straight up at the sky, angled toward this plane of course, and its eyes are pure white, and itsss face is grave, and it looks up at the sky not in horror but perhaps in terror, perhaps in that fear of god way. The mountain seems to have aaaa fear of god. Now I look frurtuerherr... some kind of waterfall perhaps, but everything does get flatteneddddd from this height. And then there's this whole thing... there's thissss. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh theres this ummmmmm... Huh.... there's this window over there that seems to be like.. open... how’d they do that ? I don’t know, it might be a glitch of some kind. Because I have no control on the levels of my own window... I have no control truly honestly no control over any of it, and that’s kind of fineneee and kind of beautiful as well.. the person next to me just woke up as I was looking over at that window and I sort of maybe perhaps alarmed her in a way but I hope not I hope she’s okay. I look further into the distance and see holy shit okay greenland is really big and it’s also uhhhhmmmmmmmmm snow. Like it’s fully snow. Why the fuck was trump trying to lay claim to this ? just for fun presumably? Or maybe there’s some kind of resource here. or maybe he just understands the importance of land owenership. Like no one is living out there. There’s just noooo one living out there. I have this bitterness and resentment toward people that i wouldn’t want to let them know about. But then it’s like what id sht epee... where do we send that energy? All these like striking condemning critiques I have of people, what do I do with ththhem? And what hidden thoughts do others have? I just gained control over the window though.... I had turned it up and now I turned it all the way backk down... it was shockinglyyy bright for a moment there.... and I ought to perhaps turn it up... I ought to perhaps let the light in once more..... I just had to wait on it apparently. I didn’t know how it worked. It’ll be entertaining to look out the window I’m sure. Let's see what effect that has on the window, when I turn it up a couple levels... it certainly got brighter, theee snow now looks whiter than blue. It looks whiter than it is blue. The ants weigh moreee than the elephants. The ants weigh more than the elephants.... the ants weigh moooooooooooooore than the elepahnts, that is still true, Fiona is still a genius. And yes when I refer to this thing of you know........... like..... we’re not traveling anymore. I’m not going further west. I’m not going further west. I’m not doing it. Furherterrrr west is a farce manifest destiny is racist. I’m not doing it. There’s nothing there for meee. I’m not doing it. I’m not going there to visit my doctor friends. I’m not doing it. I’m not going further west. I’m going back east. I’m going back to my home. Fuck you for making me feel like I don’t and can't have a home. Fuck you for making me feel that way. You know you should know better. You should know better you should know better than to you know ... do that. You know you should know that your friends value your opinion you should know this you should know it you should know it. let me just continue life and model ittt on alyosha. He was not going to no goddamn parades ooooor traveling to Europe for pleasure. he didn’t do it... he was in his community he was talking to people he was finding out what his people needed from him he was going uuppp to kids and trying to figure out why they were in conflict. He was out there in the world and there was a way for him to do it without being in the stream of commerce. hey girl uhmmmm hey so you know the neetflix docuseries thing and your theessis about that, I have a new one for you, have you heard of auschwitz? Talk about profiting off of insane suffering . they’re doing it. They are like a cash cow for profiting off suffering. You get people you get the spectacle of it all... you turn auschhwitz into a spectacle the holocaust into a spectacle. I wish we could still listen to nicki but I guess it’s not that big a deal I don’t need to listen to her it’s not that crazy it’s alllll right. Interesting that we’re not just flying straight west, we’re flying over greenland and presumably over canada as well. Cutting across the north. We’re going north and then south... this globe is just that, a globe, and the four cardinal directions are likeeeeeeeeee tomfoolery. The four cardinal directions are meaningless in the face of an earth a globe like this. The four caridnal directions existing on a plane bro lol it’s nonsensical . like you really have to uhhhhh like... yeah we’re going north right now and then we’lll go south. I’m sure the magnetic poles mean something, like the magnetic poles might have some effect on us, like we might get pulled somewhat by the magnetic poles and north and south might actually have some meaning but as far as the eeee direciotns themselves... I asked this fuckerrrr whether the stairs go up to Z..... and he was like look at the sign what does the sign say? And i just had to say whatever dude. Like I was so pissed off at him bro he was such a cunt. Like fuck you honestly fuck you and you should die like i want you to die so bad right now. I’m willing like extremely hateful and vile energy toward all the people who were cunts to meeeeeeeee the pasttttttttttt however long. It was him and the woman with the horrible eyebrows on the tram who suddenly went into this maternal mode like she really went on a power trip with me didn’t she..... oh my god dude I have so muuuussuuoo much anger inside me. Anger is honestly a very dominant emotion inside of me. I get angry I get angry I get angry and then the angerrrr gives way and thenrere’s sadness and grief underneath it. I’m getting tired of writing to be honest. I’m getting tired of writing and not in one of those ways where it's like oh when you’re about to finish something maybe that’s just when you need to lock in and keep going, you just gotta keep going, it’s not one of those, where you keep digging and then by digging more and more, you somehow... yeah it’s not like that. It’s more like I do actually really truly actually wanna stop writing. So I’m going to do that, and i’m going to stop writing and turn my attention to something else . what it will be, I don’t know yet. months later