卌卌卌||

truthfully,

I don’t want to see any more of the horrors. I don’t want to go to the slaughterhouse even though I know I have to. It’s too much for me right now. It’s not the mode I’m supposed to be in just yet. I know it’s going to have to happen eventually, soon, but it’s also just that... I don’t know. There’s too many other threads happening right now. Too much other stuff happening. reading, "get done" today. finish one sitting, athens, georgia. finish await reply decide get back want await reply as well. awaiting replies.

let's also keep in mind

that Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor in a year, nor in two weeks, nor in one week, nor in any amount of time that this road trip could even last. That opens up the possibility of hitting the road again with the same intention, which is writing, but with slightly different methods. Right now, on this trip, the method is Grindr mixed with some reading mixed with speaking to whomever is around and interested in speaking to me. We don’t need to go quite so far out of our way just yet.... Right now we’re still in the learning territory. We’re building up our repertoire of knowledge and information.... I think I can justify that to myself. We can’t try doing too much too soon or else we might burn out.

tomorrow

we’re getting our car serviced, and we’re maybe also possibly maybe seeing the USDA thing. But maybe not, also. Maybe the USDA thing wasn’t supposed to happen on this trip, and I was supposed to just pull up to the front gate (which I didn’t realize would be there) and have the security guard turn me away with a laugh and a smile, and i would then call the place and have the person on the phone be a little bit bemused by my request, and she would later email me with the contact information of one Dr. ▒▒▒▒▒ who runs the department. I would then email her with my request and a brief acknowledgment that I know it’s short notice, as well as an attachment of the proposal for my project. Which I know is compelling. Which I know for a fact is compelling, even if you can’t yet see what the actual product is. I know it is. I know someone working with chickens in any capacity would want to help me with this project........ Where does the nondualism come in here? I think it’s about continuing to observe and continuing to be aware that everything is everything, everything is not nothing, etc. I’m looking at the ceiling. I’m just staring at the ceiling. This library feels vast in some ways and tiny in others. Vast in the sense that the ceiling seems to go on and on, and there’s this wooden arch behind me that i look up at and see it stretch high above me as if it’s the gates to the acropolis in ancient greece..... But this is the modern Rome. It wasn’t built in a day, and the inhabitants don’t know it’s falling, except of course they do, because it’s been falling for as long as we’ve all been alive, and we’ve spent our whole waking lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. Evidenced by my conversation with ▒▒ where he acknowledged that the world almost ended in 2025, as if in the prophetic past tense. Casual genius on his part. What else is there to really say? I think we can get back to reading this damn book right now. It’s about immersion. It’s about dedicating myself to something. It’s about writing, but it’s also about immersion. The trip is about immersion, not so much about writing itself. It’s not so much about writing. Did you hear me? It’s not so much about writing. The writing can happen literally any time. The writing is happening right now, some might say. The writing is also happening last night in the walmart parking lot. chapter perspective, never the plan, now clearly necessary need perspective, need perspective. need worldubilding. trip help need worldbuilding. seeing real time go, georgia other places.

today

I will go to gainesville, I think. I don’t know. I just think. I think I’m also still waiting for.... I’m still waiting for the.... Sorry. I got caught up thinking about the future and such things as where am I going to eat my big meal today, which I’m pretty sure I’ll have to pay for, because my stomach is asking for something big. Maybe chicken. Maybe some kind of heritage chicken, if there’s anywhere that sells it, because now I’m aware of there being a difference in taste and other stuff.... And I think I should go ahead and get into the heritage chicken thing...... I think. In gainesville, maybe, what the hell, sure, why not... but we’ll see. And then I think about where and how to sleep tonight, and I can’t help but think it needs to give motel this evening. I think it just has to. I’m afraid it does. Because last night was cute and transcendent as fuck.... But I don’t know. This heat, man. I don’t know if I can deal with this heat again. Unless I go to bed a little later, which is poissible, and which I can always just like do..... There’s a baddie currently standing in front of me, looks like a country boy, has big old mutton chops on his cheeks, and he also has sunglasses on top of his buzz cut, and he has pants that are cut at the legs in such a way that i think he might be part of the community which is celebrating pride month right now. I can’t tell what his vibe is or whether he’s interested in me or not. I don’t know. He’s walking away now, though. That must mean he’s not into me. But I will say the grindr excursion that i started last night is alerting me to the fact that I can find someone who’s "my type" and that my type is something that I haven’t yet found in a real person yet. But I think I'm finding out that if I lead with the interest that I have in mind right now, in this case chickens, I can get a lot more varied and interesting responses. So i’ll continue to do that. Because what I really want is a country boy. Someone way countrier than me. I want to be the more city-slickery of the two, if i ever do end up in some kind of domestic partnership situation. I don’t want someone from a city. I want a farmer type. I want a fucking farmer. I am not interested in computer scientists or anyone of that sort. Not interested in academics or hospital workers or politicians or things of that nature. I’m not interested in white collar men, i guess is what i’m trying to say. Interested in blue collar men, yes, certainly that’s true. Anyway. That’s all I got for now. Let’s go back to reading and get this shit going before the hour of the library’s closure begins to creep in like Burnam Wood. So like .

okay so like.

make much bigger include everything ever said an idea. apply principles smaller..... thought about little bit run robot. Because yes, I am on this road trip with a certain mission in mind, but do you not agree that it would be a betrayal of nondualism for me to not be open to whatever metamorphosis this thing wants to undergo? Whether it becomes.... I don’t know what. We don’t know what its going to become. I mean, that’s somewhat out of my control, don’t you think? And that’s a good thing, don’t you think? For it to be out of my control, I mean. Like, I’m not interested in.... Er.... hold on. Need to people-watch real quick here. Putting my glasses on so I can do so. There’s a guy who seems to be maybe possibly tweaking, and I’d like to get a better look at him. Let’s see what I can do here. glasses on, see guy, mouthing words direction.... seems looking looking different reduce perceived threat level. looked away grinning different direction. might be drugs. taking cap off scratching reminds on drugs. All of this is on the heels of watching some videos from this tiktoker known as human wildlife project. It’s honestly one of the most interesting things i’ve ever seen in my life. simply perfect. quantum as fuck. mere act observation effects on behavior. different, observer camera. not watching see happens stare also camera, filming seems mask on. mask on. more effective mask off. think less prone to anger a little more..... generous. expecting people, not react see him project itself, interested involving genius anthropology, need. tools disposal, universally recognizable people share world seem demanding better currently using something like content, pure content own sake, going viral. ludicrous. filming people settings uploading clips rage baits not stated intention, interesting, saw one man volunteer interview started talking camera on him. ( more like leaned into project.) parenthetical illusion started digression finish? No way to know. Best thing to do is start a new paragraph. function book not evident right now. don't know even book writing is it? start imagining something different project? Maybe. starts gainesville evening. something. yet. entail. tough sleeping car if only not so hot easily justify walmart parking lot every single night. that good, heat one thing in the way . problem heat products heat; interaction smell sweat, hand in hand. The man I was watching is now soliloquizing, and he seems to be talking to someone——not sure who it is, though. want go hear say. fascinating. cool him hey bro love cooking up not sure on drugs like some you’ve got, happy accept social contagion. hear any words conversation? appear tweaking the tweak interspersed pure artistic delight. the joy of expression punctuated by some little moments of tweakiness. I guess that’s life for you, isn’t it? I think that’s just life for you. I really do feel inspired by the human wildlife project. I think it’s the kind of elegant system that is just simply genius. There needs to be more elegance like that. whatever becoming, reflect elegance. strain bacteria staph aureus skin. living colony. like that. purely desriptive. going nothing academic. Nothing can’t understood first-grade No fancy not fancy simply more don't need fancy words. appeals widest inspired ellen hopkins downstairs. very popular was as a teen. spoke definitely thinly veiled harm reduction abstinence encouragement abstain altogether, good enough don’t think goal words. don’t think goal anything in particular. don’t think about educating dangers and horrors antibiotic resistance. don’t think anything at all. no, not quite think.... Help nondualism,,,,,,, the goal not can define, to define goal to collapse going on particle, instead waveform. want be...... well, nothing really want I’m in a library chock full of books on any subject you can dream up, pretty much.... Makes me think. Should i go investigate if they have anything on nondualism? Of course i should. The computer is right there. Let’s see about it. My search turned up a total of one book, a collection of short stories, one of which mentioned nonduality in its title and seemed interesting enough. I read it, and it was only ten pages, and the whole ten pages were sort of befuddling in a sort of liberal-esque way in which people seem to think just writing anything they want constitutes literature. And the people who reviewed it on the back of the book seemed to be convinced. I was not as convinced. I’m not the audience for this kind of thing, strangely, even though it’s the one book in this whole library that mentions nondualism, apparently, at least in its title, and it still drew a blank for me. Like honestly, there was not really anything in there——well, there was one thing, which I’ll write here. There was a mention of some kind of teacher greeting her class with something like "good-but-not-implying-opposite-of-bad morning-but-not-opposite-of-night." I thought that was smart and good, but that was the only thing I saw in the whole story, in the whole ten pages, that was either smart or good. I think I’m trained on the, uhh.... I guess western writing, which hey, come on, this is. The author is american. It said on the back slide thing. So no excuse, really, pretty much. No excuse, I’d say. As for

what to "do" "next,"

there is nothing coming to mind. Well, no, yes, there is something coming to mind: going to gainesville. I’m not sure yet to what end i’ll be going there, but it does seem to be the next destination. Especially in light of the fact that I haven’t heard back from the USDA person. Dr. ▒▒▒▒▒ is her name. I haven’t heard back, and that may be because she’s busy. And i have no expectation of getting heard back to. Or whatever phrase you wanna use there. I have no expectation that she will get back to me, so that means it might be time to go ahead and book that forty dollar airbnb and just head to gainesville and maybe use that as the next center of gravity, the next black hole that i allow myself to fall into. I’m not interested in going to as many of the destinations i had in mind for this trip anymore. I’m still interested in going to denver and having that be something like the final destination of the trip, but to do that, I’ll have to alert ▒▒▒▒▒▒ and come up with some kind of plan. You can’t exactly just show up at someone’s condo, even if they’re ▒▒▒▒ ▒▒▒ ▒▒▒▒▒▒, when they’ve just moved there, and it’s across the whole country, and and and. There are certain ducks that need to be put in certain rows, and those rows need to be stacked on top of each other and put on the backs of sixteen-wheeled trucks, and those trucks need to be driven to slaughterhouses, where the ducks in rows will be stunned and then killed and then steamed so their feathers will come off and then frozen promptly so that they don’t begin to grow harmful bacteria that can get passed on to the consumer. That vision of trucks passing me by, housing hundreds, thousands of chickens, is something I may not ever forget. The kind of thing that defines the whole project, and the thing i would never have seen if i hadn’t slept in my car in that very particular spot in the walmart parking lot on that very particular day.... But no, the day thing doesn’t seem to matter as much. I think the trucks would continue passing by on all the other days, too. Maybe the secret is actually getting out there into these third spaces and watching what happens. Because truthfully there is some kind of alchemy that happens to my observations when i go into these places like walmart parking lots, with the intention of sleeping there all night. Like, I went to the walmart parking lot, and as soon as i was in that spot, i felt like something had shifted. Suddenly everyone else’s routines and neruoses came into focus, and i saw all these trucks coming in and out of the walmart parking lot as... something different. Something very different. The public as a different kind of space, my own car representing a private space in the midst of a public space. The, uhhhh, the juxtaposition lent itself to very interesting interests on my part. There is now a police officer in the library. He seems to be escorting this guy.... I don’t know what that’s about. Why is there a police officer in the library? I don’t know, man. I don’t know about this one. The ▒▒▒ and ▒▒▒▒▒ thing has not crossed my mind today, and i’d like to keep it that way. What else can cross my mind? I think the whole librariness of the libraries that i go to is something.... I think it’s something..... Something about how people dedicate so much time and energy to making books, only for those books to end up on shelves in libraries, and in bookstores, and all kinds of other places, where no one is going to read them. We need to take this shit into the digital space. That reminds me, I want to add some shit to the anthill. So,

back underground I go.

I’m underground again. I forgot how weird it is here. I’d prefer to be above ground, frankly. But it’s too fucking hot out there. And i guess a motel still sorta is above ground——if i leave my blinds open, which obviously i’m gonna. Well, i guess it’s not obvious. But i'm gonna. sudden revelation "real point" humans and chickens both lambs to empire's slaughter. all get drafted clearly maybe possibly trying letting happen american greatness. exceptionalism. I definitely live some of my life by that, but just some, bitch. Just fucking some. This is the part where i say something radicalized like somebody should kill the president. If you’re trying to be an artist these days——or a journalist or a writer or really anything——and you’re not doing anything that could get you arrested or is at the very least a slippery slope to getting arrested.... Thought experiment. Romanticize prison. Would it be so bad? Would it be sooooo so bad? Or would it be something else? cell block asks started writing books overthrow the government abolish prisons and shit demonstrate quickly obviously solitary confinement prevent from writing forced into thinking and meditating Everything is so punitive. Or is it just me? I'm seeing all the signs of it everywhere. That’s the thing. It’s not just me. It’s the whole thing. Like, yes, it is partially me, but I am not the entire thing. Well, like...... i guess that’s not true either. I am not not the entire thing. Nondualism doesn’t prohibit you from doing anything, and it doesn’t just allow you to do everything, either. It INCLUDES you doing anything. It includes you doing literally whatever the fuck you want. Whatever that means to you. Whatever you do is included in nondualism, because of course the fuck it is. psych ward, force medication crippling lose entire shit take it away any given moment any reason. I don’t believe the freedom i have is free. And i don’t mean that in the money sense that all the retard red-pilled asshole trump-dick-sucker boot-lickers say. I mean it in the sense that it’s not what it claims to be. Freedom is not Free, in the sense of being unshackled and able to do whatever you want. Freedom is an american construction. It should be called Freedom with a capital F to denote that we’re talking about American Freedom. Because it isn’t free. And they say it all the time. But this is not FREE. we are not FREE. we are, but we’re living under a regime that is not. Er.... sorry. Struggling to find the appropriate, precise, nondual language to describe what i’m trying to say here. I think the rigor is worth it, mind you, so let’s just keep trying. The problem i’m running into is that "freedom isn’t free" is a dualistic thing to say, by definition. It implies that there is something that is called freedom, and there is something that is called free, and those two are not the same. That is a fundamental violation of nondualsim, which is why it’s hard for me to try this détournement. But i think you probably might already know what i’m trying to say. It’s just for my own sake, then, that i’m trying to figure out how to figure this out. Freedom isn’t free...... what a dualistic dogwhistle. Hate that. Hate it! Yes, it’s true! I hate it! Hatred is an additive thing! It’s covered by nondualism! I’m allowed to do it! But it’s not on the eightfold path.... Well, bitch, I can’t be, either, all the time! There’s too much included in nondualism for me to like.......... Idk! I wanna..... Be part of it! I wanna set it in a different direction! That’s gonna involve getting some dirt on my hands, in the form of karma! Hello!!!!! Don’t be afraid of it!!! If you feel like you have a real opportunity to snap someone out of delusion, but you think it will earn you some negative karma....... Damn, is the whole negative/positive karma thing........ Let’s just...... man, shit. I don’t even know how to talk about karma without getting dualistic now. This is when I start to think that maybe language itself loses all meaning when you think of things in terms of nondualism. It’s like every word you choose is a violation because it’s a waveform collapse. You’re making something collapse into.... But no, that’s not true. Even this is ultimately temporary. Even this is stil waveform. It’s just a record of the waveform. It’s just an oral history of my life. Oh, that’s what this is. All of this. Or, i guess, just this stream... which runs in parallel with other streams...... like,,,, errr..... Well, no.... It’s all part of the same..... Oh. i get it . all part of the same stream. And just think. If i were to have had my room key with me right now, i wouldn’t have been able to say all this, because i would’ve gotten sucked into the internet like a literal lamb to literal slaughter. This is why

the underground is necessary.

A place to roam around intellectually and physically, at least a little bit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, instead of being confined in a tiny space like a fucking chicken. But then again, i think.... If i weren’t to have had that moment last night... i know, actually, for a fact, but you’ll see what i mean..... If i weren’t collapsed into that hot, sticky, sweaty, slippery waveform last night (it wasn’t that sticky, actually; my literary conditioning told me to say that), i never would’ve empathized as hard with the chickens. And i also never would’ve seen them in the first place, so the whole thing becomes moot. Insane, don’t you think? But then, if i weren’t here, right now, then i wouldn’t be...... er,,,, i wouldn’t have, errrr..... Whatever the version of me tomorrow is saying. If i hadn’t done this little stop at this little red roof inn because it was the cheaptest motel option i could find...... because the cheaper airbnb room i was thinking about getting got snatched up, as if the universe wanted to say "those aren’t spontaneous enough" or something, or.........

no. yes.

The delusions are not delusions. If anyone accused me of having delusions, I would say they’re not delusions. They are delusions. What am i saying. Sorry. Of course they are delusions, because.... good actor mentally ill cast me needed me asf. tap into mental illness experienced it will in the future trans thing. resonate schizophrenia transgenderness? criminals? parent's worst nightmare. out there. not my own. already know the tips schizophrenia thing: music, negative symptoms, books ("Leave Society"), suicidality mental illness linked; trans thing: crossdressing penchant, skull with a blond wig, drag, SOPHIE; criminal thing: apparent total and complete disinterest EVER Luigi Mangione, Israel absolutely not right to exist (antisemitic implications miss me) grindr stuff détournement, obviously. starting to drift 20-year-old bantering when physical touch oh that’s not—— experiment horny gay men stop talking about dick and ass fuck all the time, programmed people app go on existing leading us to slaughter. tiktok, highly premium everyone special and important like a friend...................... Sucking ad money influenced certain directions politically think My god. It’s scary. The whole "everyone vying for your attention" thing. whatever i want realize that? literally whatever. fuck. want. can do.... ...... anything. novel metafiction . doesn’t have to anything done before. Shit. maybe all part don’t know. ends up gobsmacked, quite ceratinly. need act criminal rights law. dumbass pass/fail med school whatever i want. continue life the case, literally whatever i want realm of space. bitch, writing. write whatever you want leave behind? so easy not? why not make part why not? can’t exist so far? need rising action rise high ? guess do. need know "what happens" don’t want find out. want still out there suspended animation all that. really about life. the things learn trying be does stuff life. think end up take in chickens raising buy have fucking free range shit. Chickens will be running around, so help me jesus. And if there are predators..... I don’t know. I’ll figure that out. But it’s part of the gamble. Chickens are a highly desirable thing to eat. I wouldn’t be able to blame a raccoon for taking one for itself.... want steward, feel make chickens a little bit .... say........... give options better rebirths. one way look taking in chickens don’t know. were sick farms take them away.... are farms otherwise thrown away not candidates food post-grad insane insane. thought getting immediately rural fucking want and and..... becomes not but epic.... life...... Yeah. could make little much i want, i decide every moment. is what send death vectors full send, life going maybe possibly end any moment anyway get to stepping. possible shit ton picked up enough money trust wealth..... probably not goal create have something deal with. life. sounds really annoying. the cards playing them. bending sleep back of my car no, stay. a real actual good strat stand by, continue weather FUCKING HOT.