This time I promise to do better. I have to. I know that I have to do better if I want to keep going. Onward and upward. I can’t slip away now.

There is still a lot i have to learn in this life, I think. It seems like I’m still not quite ready for the end of cyclic existence. I dont know what it’s going to take for me to be ready, to be honest.

The real reality is always so different from the one i can imagine, yet I continue trying to imagine things and getting all caught up in the future and stuff. And spirlaing into rumination. Things threaten to calicify into the present and precipitate into the past.

In theory, i should’ve studied for step 2 today. Something about the sabbath and playing pokemon.

I didn’t move my body that much today. Maybe a little bit of walking around and attempts at dancing. But nothing that crazy or serious. It was a whole lot of me sitting around playing pokemon.

I’ll come down with these rulings for myself, stuff like 'the screens are not what you want, and we all know it, so stop going back to the screens,' and then i go back to the screens.

The truth is, in this phase of life, i really don’t have any idea what i’m doing. I think I’m starting to figure it out, and I think that’s good and stuff, and it’s like... things are getting figured out slowly but surely or whatever, but there’s still a little lag when it comes to other stuff like everyday life. Especially when I’m left fully to my own devices. What’s a girl to do in a situation like that, where the house is empty and there are no boys around, and......

I can’t fuck it up now. Watching everyone scramble around in the late capitalist version of samsara, talking about the scandal of homegoods not knowing where their store items are coming from.....

It’s sad to see someone reach older age and try to keep going, trying not to fade into irrelevance, but fading anyway. It’s sad to see someone grow older but not at all wiser——just more calcified.

Maybe what i need to do is start being a fucking hater on the internet. I can just be randomly pissed about everything or point out how sad it is that someone could be so taken with all these things......

moves Pokemon is art, and it’s companionship. the pokemon, the strategy, the mechanics, the writing, the NPCs who have entire lives seemingly fully within the logic of the game.

And i’ll have a tyranitar in the next few days, it seems. Never thought i’d find myself raising a future tyranitar. It’s hard to raise that one because you sort of have to be obsessed with potential. Nobody really wants to use a pupitar. The rock/ground typing is so bad as you start to get up there in the late thirties. Ten levels ago the larvitar was honestly putting in work and i loved its animations and shit.... But now pupitar is totally fading into the background as the game evolves while it doesn't——until level 55.

Remembering a pure moment of grace and rehabilitation and sitting on the ground. Someone bringing me back to reality with a three-piece suit on.