Turned down every hand

that has beckoned me to come. the joy and delight that I have found in my life are being undermined by this sense that it’s not what I want, that I am somehow missing something. I think what I am missing is love. Where is he, who is he? He certainly exists right now, doesn’t he? some strange, vague, undifferentiated fear you can’t strain, dude

Why am I lonely for lonesome love?

This is a point rasied by mitski: you can find someone through straining and grasping, but that someone might be so very not-right. Putting yourself out there is not the magic cure-all for these problems of love and relationships. There are dark nights of the soul which can happen in the span of a few minutes, and just like that they can end. Some blue can pop through the clouds that had swept over your mood, and the dark night can end in an instant, in one small act of mercy from our living god, who lives in all of us, and in the trees, and in nature.... believe?every day And what is this burgeoning relationship with god? I keep thinking of god. I think of god every day at this point, but it’s so vague. I tell myself that my god is not the christian god, but I suppose it also might be. Have we reached such a level of depravity that I can go days and days without seeing anyone, without contributing anything to the world around me, only seeking out my own interest? Is it not the case? Have I not lived a selfish existence, and does god not grant me mercy nonetheless? Does god not grant me mercy in spite of any actions that I do or do not take? Is it not the case that god continues to be so merciful that I still sit here, in good health...? I feel the weight of my upper body coming down on my butt. I press myself firmly into this rocking chair. I only rock it when I remember that it can rock...... I only rock it when I remember that it can rock.... I only rock it when....... I only rock it when I think to rock it. I only turn around when I think of turning around. I am teaching myself certain things. I am teaching myself certain things.....

I’m not wearing my usual lipstick.

I thought maybe we would kiss tonight. dreams What was I saying? I know how I’m doing in life based on my dreams and how I sleep. When I sleep well and wake up at certain times, when I have certain flavors of dreams, when I do things, and when I do them in this particular manner, when I do these things, when I do these things, I get certain signals, I get certain signals, I get certain signals. I do believe that it's true what was said in the book yesterday about how young people can start new lives right away, just like that, with relative ease. I know, and I think, and I believe that I could do the same, and in the meantime ,,,, I can..... I could do it right now, could I not? I could change everything about my approach. I could change it all. I could do something differently, and I could do it right now. What would it be? What would it be? The rain comes down on the water now, at a faster rate than it had done before. The rain is so delicate that it creates bubbles where it hits the surface. Where do I go next? Is it the case that I will always know where I’m going next? I think so, lowkey. I think, lowkey, that it will continue to grant that I know where to go and what to do, etc... I think it will continue to grant that... I think it will continue to grant that... I think it will, I think it will, and I think it may. I think it will, and I think it may... I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. I think it will and I think it may. ext.exit I have typed so many words at this point that it is not even second nature. It’s third nature. It’s fourth, fifth, sixth nature. I’ve internalized the externalized consciousness. It is as if the keyboard is not an external device, but something that is "within and withon" me, to quote ████ ███████.

Does it smell like a school gymnasium in here?

It’s funny how they’re all the same.... repetition something about repetition, about how right now is the same as it has been prior to this you could express any number of real, proper, human emotions, and they would ring just as true no matter where you are, who you are, what you’re doing... they would ring just as true, just as true, just as true... But there, do you see it? A little bug in a spiderweb... writhing around, waiting to be set free, let go....... Oh. It was not a living being. It was a piece of detritus. The wind blows. The mitski album ends.