anthill - anticipation

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haunting The thought of going to auschwitz tomorrow is obviously really crazy. It puts death into perspective and is probably why I just said that thing about going my whole life without learning the words to mr. brightside Cuz when you think about it, we got a car coming to pick us up in seven hours to bring us to a death camp, and in another context this would mean that our lives would be coming to an end pretty soon. i can’t help but think like wow I’m gladddddd and I’m grateful that I’m not going to that place to meet my actual demise Unless... do you think anyone’s ever keeled over during a tour or something, gotten a heart attack or something? What is the current role of death at a place like that? is there still a place for death at such a place, you know what I mean I have a little crush on this guy named f█████ and.... idk. who’s to say, honestly I just love the internationalism of it all. that shit is epic Remembering ██████ saying m██████ texted her saying he was going to bed but he’d see her and “lovely ant” tomorrow. sweeet behavior. thanks, m██████. love you, broski. I honestly feel pretty close to these individuals after such a sssshort time, including our new friends n███ and f█████. first time meeting people of either of those names. that was fun Also, I said the word chopped to f█████, and he was like, "oh yeah that’s a very american thing" ... it puts everything in persepctive, and it feels like everyone is more unique or something Idk, I kinda like globalization in this context. i really love rubbing elbows with someone from england, someone from france, all at the same table. I haven’t exactly had time to be online... which, by the way, is awesome as shit. I love how little time I’ve been online. it’s honestly been a really great balance, and I’m not sure how to strike it going forward, for real. How do I strike this same balance, where I’m so actively involved in real life, daily affairs that I can’t even actually go on my phone or the computer or anything? How do I make that a daily reality? because it's sooooo good, it’s feeling sooo good. it feels amazing, actually. it feels really fucking good not to be on the phone, so I just wonder, like, huh, how can I keep that up? I just think, like, man, what is there for me to do that’s out in the world among society and stuff? like, what is there for me to do???? And I think the answer is literally to just look into various groups around whatever place I’m going to be in ,,,,, Is there a finnegan’s wake reading group I can join or really any other fucking group, bro? like is there a gay soccer league or some shit that I can join cuz I would be joining that shit instantaneously. I think the main thing is literally just start joining groups and be in groups and join groups and be in groups Like c'mon, ant, this is how you learn how to live this next phase of your life is by surrounding yourself with other people, being in superorganism with them. That's for real what it’s all about We were having quite a laugh today. f█████ and n███ and ██████ just watching the game. f█████ bought me a drink and wasn’t that nice And you know as I was hearing n███ talk about fanon and dance around the topic and how she’s "never read him but he’s a radical figure and it was cool to see his quotes on walls" of whatever country she was visiting.... I could hear his voice ringing in my head: "the bourgeois intelligentsia gets distracted by thinking and writing and musing, and that's a dangerous thing, and they're a dangerous class of people, because they end up using all their energy not in the struggle for national liberation but for, you know, pinching commas out of joyce novels." like hello, we neeeed to remember to bring back the guillllllllllllllllllotine. bring it back, and we gotta start using it again, honestly. there’s not enough..... I’ll leave it at that cuz the glowies you know The main thing I’m concerned about right now is how little sleeeeep it’s looking like I’ll get tonight in preparation for auschwitz. shit, man, what's even gonna happen? what’s even gonna happen? I’m honestly, actually——I’ll admit it——excited to go to this place about which I’ve heard so much. It’s exciting in the sense that you’re going to be so thoroughly confronted with absolute history Anddd.......... I have no idea what to expect, except I do know what to expect. I have certain visuals in mind, like the words on the fence before you walk in, and there’s a train track, and I think we’re going to be on the train track? Idk how it’s gonna work, but m██████ warned us about how "grim" it truly is, so I’ll keep that in mind, for sure, and just, you knowwwww, you know, I’lll just simply try to be as normal as possible. Don’t worry, ant, I got you. you can stay cool. it’llllllll be good. you’re good, and it’s great, and we’re going to really learn something by being directly confronted with it. Someone today said that they had a friend who went to auschwitz and said that their tour guide was making them laugh the whole time. so like you never know. maybe it'll be lighthearted, or at least good balance between intense gravity and, you know, some lightnesss. someone's gotta lighten the mood, i’m sure.... oh man, a vision of the place really filling up with people. i seee, suddenly, so many people gathering around the building we’re about to go in, and iiiii seee in the windows of the door only the reflection of the blue sky with white clouds and the top of some kind of church or cathedral, nothing inside I’m romanticizing... but wait, what what is that big fountain thing... is this cuz we made it to... Lol I’m having a hard time drawing out a coherent thought right now, and I feel like THAT is joycean... to be incoherent and still call things, you know, like, yeah, bruh, yeah... anyway, to get out the way like you can keep hiding unnnnnnn bridge it’s a it. But wow, okay, here comes the sleepiness, tiredness. I efeellike ht meagic cccjjjjjjjjjjjjj man yeah I love being ehrerere I looooojjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj okay bruh ojjjjjojjjsdfsdssosssssiopssssdssssssssssssajjjjjjjjjjso then hthere you go and threrehhjj how did we get here I used to know you so well@@@@ part 2