“shut the fuck up oh my god dude”

i’m not sure if anybody out there hears me or not.

i’m not long for this place, am i? not really any intention of settling down here, but then, do i have intentions to settle down anywhere?

i’m not a fucking bacteria, bro. yes, i have bacteria in me, and they have their own tendencies, but i don’t really share those particular ones. not the reproductive ones. i share the infective ones. like, the aim is to infect, isn’t it, infect other people’s minds with the shit that has been in my mind. isn’t that the point?

there wouldn’t really be a reason if you weren’t okay with infecting people with melodies and concepts and ideas and plots and words and feelings and things. this shit is nothing but an infection.

the point is just the point.

pointy i was telilng m--- about the point being the point today during some strange extended bit about how the version of me who exists in a different timeline is digging a hole with no real aim other than digging—the point being the point. i think it made sense to him.... but who can really say. i also think he’s probably in love with me, but i think that’s a fine way to start a friendship. i think plenty of friendships start that way, and what becomes of them sometimes... i mean, that’s how mine with i---- started. it was because i thought he was really hot and i was in love with him. and it’s how my friendship started with k----..... but i sorta just cut him off when he started being weird over text?

i do think about the whole trans thing and wonder if that’s seceretly part of what makes it so hhhhhard for me to connect in that way? like how was that.... i feel like i ii i i might.... like the e-- thing, you know... i feel like it might have worked because i was able to convince myself that iii was being a woman for him.. but that’s not the reality, i was being a man.... and uhhh yeah, and he’s like... attracted to men or something idk iiiiii don’t know quite what i'm trying to say here.

am i trans, and how did my possibly being trans affect my first and only relationship where i was fully in love? i think it was like...... there were always insecurities i had about being with him cuz i never felt like a woman ... i was always like ugh feeling resentful that i don’t have a pussy because we couldn’t fuck all the time, and indeed we didn’t fuck all the time, we really rarely fucked, even though i made that new years resolution at one point to fuck more, it just never happened. every blue moon, every now and again, in the bluest of moons, only the bluest of moons, you know what i mean..... sigh..... sigh, sigh, alas, alas, sigh, sigh, alas, sigh, alas, alas, sigh. i’m not innnnterested in being sexually active. i’m not really interested in it i think at the end of the day.

no idea and i’m sure this is a crock of fucking bullshit and i would love to be sexing right now or like in general. it’s just, you know.....

i’ve been watching desperate housewives and it’s honestly a crazy show. there are some real heartwarming things in there. it’s clearly a show aimed at creating some kind of moral community among women and especially mothers. and moral community is a real central theme in the show, you know? like the women are each other’s moral community and it’s lowkey like..... you can tell that it’s a point of contention between bree and the blonde mom because like... eayayeyaeyh there’s a little rift in the moral community and we absolutely can clock that that is going to have consequences.

that’s the thing about the show: there are so many threads that get followed, and some of them are acute, some are subacute, and some chronic. that’s just how it is for this show, and i guess that’s how it is for life as well. certain arcs are pretty short, and then others are ssssooooo fucking long as to last your whole life!!! really crazy stuff, so groundbreaking, isn’t it, to think that there are short things that happen to us and long things. really just like reinventing the wheelelelel here... spelling out reality in really general terms. just spelling this shit out for y'all. because did you notice that about reality, that it happens sometimes fast and sometimes slow? like some arcs in your life take years and years to fully develop, obviously, of course. and then some get finished so fast.

like e--- for example. am i ever going to cross paths with her again? i sorta hope not. or, i don’t hope not. i’d be ready for it if it were to happen, like i'd honestly be really ready. it's just that i'm okay with not seeing her again if that’s what god has in store for us. like if i never see her again that’s chill. it’s honestly okay with me. she really fucked things up there for a long time like damn. i’m not sure what i could’ve done differently to be honest with you. she just fuckin flipped shit, it just didn't work, you know what i mean....

damn.... damn.

and then you realize your life is already cooking. like right now is the phase when you’re literally getting cooked. you’re like al dente and like in theeeeeee solstice of your life. isn’t that true?

you know.......... i’m not really sure about this period in my life. where it begins and what period i’m in with it now. like really, where the fuck am i, actually? am i like....

in terms of the catholic church and like jesus and the whole christian thing, i guess i can say i’m grateful to it for giving me that early brush wtih mysticism, as much as i disagree with everything that they smuggle into the religion.... it really is good, i think it was good for me, and i appreciate having been rasied in a religious tradition at all, i guess, if only becuase it exposed me to this idea of things being eternal and really old and feeling like i’m in touch with something that transcends the common era and our small lives and times.

what is the point of spending time with yourself? is it necessary for metabolization or something like that?

are there really any good goals to have? even tolstoy.. i just think of what he said about how the stronger he got when he trained his body, the more he hated himself or some shit... he was not fulfilled by that and eventually embarrassed even by his own books, his own masterpieces that he’d written, he was eventually totally ashamed of them, and isn’t that just something? i wonder why he was ashamed, why exactly was he ashamed... was there some part of him that saw that he made things that people have to sit down with for hours and hours and hours and hours in order to finish and achieve the full effect?

i had a dream last night i was reading brothers karamazov and just like unerstanding in real time what it was like to read a great book a truly great fuckin book... some poeple think it’s the greatest. and i happen to think the whole like dimensionality thing they talk about truly is great. like if two lines can intersect somewhere out there in infinity, and one can’t understand it, then how could one ever understand something like god? if you can’t understand parallel lines interscecting, it’s not for you to unerstand god.

but then you think about the parallel lines intersecting from certain views, like if you were in between the parallel lines and you looked down one way or the other... you know what i’m saying... but that’s not posssible in the second dimension. it only becomes possible when you observe them in the third dimension. so is that the answer to where the two parallel lines intersect? in the third dimension? mabybe that’s your answer. the answer to every paradox just lies in situating it in the next dimension.

any time in your life that you see something as a pradox, as something that CANNOT be, then you merely need to consider it in the fourth dimension, and if it’s able to happen there, then you might need to like...

i guess the problem is you can’t know what things are true in the fourth dimesnion. we only know what’s not possible in the third dimension. in the second dimension they're like "it is literally impossible for parallel lines to meet. by definition, by everyone's experience, by EVERYTHING, those things never ever ever can intersect, and if they do intersect, you need to inspect that line carefully becuase there’s most certainly a bend in it somewherere. it’s at some kind of angle somewhere. there’s a snag SOMEWHERE. or else, by definition, it would be parallel......."

infinity but in three dimensions it’s easy to imagine two parallel lines intersecting...... but i wonder if that counts, or if it’s just like when you add humans to it..... an observer.... but then, do parallel lines exist in the second dimension without an observer? are the lines still parallel if there isn’t something there to measure it as such? who’s to say it doesn’t likeeeee intersect right before you’re about to uhhhhh observe it? like in fuckin toy story? i think toy story is a great exercise in solpisisimm.... like imagining that...... the toys........ don’t move if you're observing them is so quantum physics coded, is it not???? toy story is an exercise in quantum phsyics and demonstrates the remarkbable and devastating and destructive and violent powers of obesrvation. they literally collapse the toys into inactive states.

sorry bro i wanted to jerk off before this and i delayed it so i could write but deep down i still am a teenage boy addicted to the same old shit i’ve always been addicted to. sorry. bye.