xvii
prev.cont.I feel no sense of ease when I move about the world. I constantly feel like a deer in headlights. The headlights never go away. The car is always seconds from slamming into me.
I almost dropped out today. I felt like I needed to get out, more than usual. I was pacing around my kitchen getting increasingly pissed off at the thought of continuing, and I couldn’t see the point. I talked (cried) to my dean about it, and he told me to take a week off to give it some more thought. So I got in my car and started driving. A few hours passed, and then it started raining. I found a hotel and checked in for the night.
I hate having consciousness. Can someone hit me over the head with a bowling pin?
There are too many ways to think about this. There are too many reasons to stay and too many reasons to quit. Maybe the answer is to drop out in all ways but literal. Maybe I can just mentally check out and run out the clock from the safety of my mind.
I have to close my eyes and let the present moment seep back into my brain. It was here the whole time, but I was too busy letting my brain deflate and sink into itself. Soon, my brain will turn to mush and rot inside my skull. Maggots will crawl into my ears and clean up the mess.
It’s impossible to imagine going above ground ever again. I think the problem is that I’m too lazy. Or maybe I just don’t care enough. No, I think I do care. But no, I don’t. But do I? I’ve been keeping up with my studies and going to work every day and connecting with the people I meet. I care.
I’m not lazy. I’m not the problem child that I keep telling myself I am.
The truth is that nobody cares.
It’s best to do nothing.
exit